Open the Door to a Wealthier Life: An Islamic Perspective on Personal Finances and Investing – A Review

Open the Door to a Wealthier Life: An Islamic Perspective on Personal Finances and Investing by Farhan Khalid is in a nutshell a crash course on finance basics to live a more satisfying life wealth wise. Khalid is a Chicagoan business analyst with a MBA. He has authored other books on finance and some children’s books. Khalid is also a designer of creative Muslim apparel at Zazzle; ForksandSpoons.

His book Open the Door to a Wealthier Life is a self-help financial book composed of eight chapters without taking into account the front and back matter of the book. Each chapter goes into concise detail about what you need to know to master finance terms and wealth. Khalid also gives many pointers based on his personal experience so the reader can watch out for curve balls.

His book sets itself apart from other books on finance out there which try to bag you with the ‘get rich quick’ scheme tagline. As a matter of fact, part of his book description goes as this:

What you will learn:

– How to develop the right mindset
– How to enhance your skills
– How to maximize your income
– How to minimize your expenses
– What investment choices are available
– Why to even bother investing your money
– The difference between various investments
– Which investments are considered halal and which are not
– How to get started in investing on your own with minimal cash
– How to finance a home without paying interest
– How to prepare for retirement

A wealth of information awaits. Are you ready to open the door?

What I found more useful is the Islamic Funds section.  I say this because I come from a finance and accounting background. So, a lot of the information wasn’t new to me. Moreover, the book explains concisely the available funds in the Islamic world to invest in; short and long-terms. In addition, it gives us options for more volatile and safer Islamic Funds out there and how to get started with halalinvesting. It’s a well-researched finance book that non-finance savvy readers—Muslims and non-Muslims— will greatly benefit from. I recommend it, and I pray the book becomes a source of great charity for the author. Aameen.

I also liked many other things in the book such as the gratitude spirit of the author and his assertion about the power of dua. Having said that, the book is not preachy at all. It’s just the subtle notes I picked up while reading. My favorite quote from the book is, “Maybe you’ve heard the saying: “Have an attitude of gratitude.” It might sound clichéd, but it holds merit. If you sincerely thank someone for giving you a gift or helping you out, you can be pretty confident that he will be willing to do so again in the future. If you thank God for all He has given you, will He not also give you more?”

Support the author and the ummah because 50% of the royalties from the sale of Open the Door to a Wealthier Life is donated to Islamic Relief USA. Islamic Relief has been providing humanitarian relief and aid throughout the world for people of all races and religions for over twenty years.

Read an article on finance by him here. You can also read more about the author and his works at https://heyiwroteabook.com/ and https://www.amazon.com/default/e/B01MXG1GAT.

Original article.

Four Fashionable Muslim Men Your Significant Other Needs To know

Let’s talk Muslim Men Fashion. Ask any Muslimah and she will tell you that seeing her significant other dressed well fills her belly with butterflies and fortifies her love for said spouse.

So check out some Muslim men who are doing a good job at that in the ummah and see what style the significant other likes best if he is lacking in this area. If not lacking, it’s not such a bad idea for the spouse to receive tips from these fashionable Muslim men every once in a while. Besides, it’s sunnahfor men to look good for their women as well.

1. The Gambian

 2. The Muslim Gent

3. Youssef Kromah

 4. Baraka Blue

These fashionable Muslim men can also be a source of inspiration when buying gifts for our husbands or grooms.

Original article.

Papatia Feauxzar

Online Editor at Hayati Magazine

How To Encourage Your Husbands To Help Out In Ramadan

Bismillah,

Each year, Ramadan comes with a mix of increased ibadat efforts, more chores, and renewed faith and vigor from the believer to become a better servant to Allah. The holy month has an indescribable aura to it and alhamdullilah we can all feel the change in the air.

With hardship comes ease so in this mix—which is not limited to my spelled out list—the hardship is sometimes the fulfillment of chores that accompany Ramadan. From grocery shopping to cooking iftar dinners to cleaning the place and caring for the children, a team effort is really needed to accomplish all these challenging tasks while battling hunger and low energy levels for the sake of Allah.

While we can order our children to pitch in, we have to admit that it’s often harder to get our Muslim husbands to be on the same wavelength even though Islam and the Sunnah say that it’s maroof for every member of the family to help.

For those who don’t know, women carry the house chore workload out of good manners and thoughtfulness. It’s also appropriate to note that distinguished imams who agreed that a woman doesn’t have to be a dedicated servant to her husband are Imam Abu Hanifa, Iman Malik, and Imam Shafi’i.

Aisha radi allahu anhu, the wife of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu aleihi wassalam was asked, “What did the Prophet peace upon him use to do in his house?” She replied, “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time for prayer he would go for it.” (Bukhari)

Aisha is reported to have also said, “He did what one of you would do in his house. He mended sandals and patched garments and sewed.” (Adab Al-Mufrad graded sahih by Al-Albani)

In the source Ahmad, she said, “He milked his goat.”

Alhamdullilah, my husband does his own laundry and iron his own work shirts. Very rarely that his clothes end up with my clothes and the baby’s. He helps a lot with the toddler and the cleanliness of the house too masha’Allah. Now, because we aren’t a perfect couple, we’re still working on other things for him to pitch in. And honestly there is not really a shortage of things to do in a house. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Our Rasool sallallahu aleihi wassalam was very active in his home masha’Allah. So how can you encourage your husbands to help out during Ramadan knowing this? How can you make them follow this blessed path?

1.Plan

Before the month starts, organize a family meeting if you have children and other relatives staying with you. Spell out what the chores will be during the first week of Ramadan. Ask how everyone can pitch in to help. Have lists ready. Also ask the family what are their food wishes; what do they want to eat and how the whole family can work together to make that happen.

If you don’t have children or relatives, go about the meeting with a little more intimacy and tact such as discuss your goals for the coming Ramadan over a nice meal, during a calm walk at the park or any other nice outing where good vibes are in the air.

2.Be Specific

In your lists, make sure you spell out what you think your husbands can do to help you be less stressed and lethargic and most importantly happier. It can be grocery shopping, loading the dish washer, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, vacuuming, waking up the children for suhoor while you warm up the food for your husbands and the rest of the family. Make sure you have a clear idea of what each member of the family can help with. They can exchange their tasks but plead so that things get done with a higher success rate.

3.Be lenient

Be assertive but watch your tone when you’re asking for help from your husbands and other family members. No one likes a bossy woman who talks down on others. They will boycott you and things will be even messier than before you had the idea to try to get everyone on the same wavelength. If your husband messes up-because he’s not going to get everything right- right away, make dua, breath in and let it go. Thank him for his help no matter how small it is. If he is the kind that doesn’t respond well to compliments, show him your gratitude instead of mouthing words. Your gratitude can be implied with many things, i.e. a hug, a kiss, a smile, etc. Finally, be flexible and willing to listen as well.

4.Repeat

Meet weekly with your husbands and family members to re-assess progress and plan the next week’s wave of chores insha’Allah. Stay positive and focused. Ask Allah to make you all team players too. Ameen. Reward your families for helping with gifts if you can or with their favorite dishes. And most of all, reward your husbands for reviving this neglected Sunnah insha’Allah.

Jazakh’Allah khair for reading,

Papatya*

Bio: Papatia Feauxzar is the Love & Relationship Editor of Hayati Magazine. Feauxzar is also a Muslim Publisher and an American author of West African descent living in Dallas, Texas with her son and husband. She holds a master’s degree in Accounting with a concentration in Personal Finance. After working as an accountant for a corporate firm for almost five years, Feauxzar decided to pursue Accounting from home while homeschooling her son. You can visit her website at www.djarabikitabs.com.

Originally published May 2017 in Khadija Magazine's Ramadan Issue 2 here.

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The Golden King and The Alchemist

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Illuminating the Blackness : Blacks and African Muslims in Brazil by Habeeb Akande

Illuminating the Blackness : Blacks and African Muslims in Brazil by Habeeb Akande is an account from a British Historian from Nigerian descent who did an extensive research on the contribution of Africans in the spread of Islam amongst other things in a country where the population of Blacks is the highest in the world with Nigeria second to it.

There is a wrongful assumption that is still going around even in 2016 that Black Africans or Blacks in general are ignorant or descendants of monkeys. There are people who will deny this bias still occurring and say that there is racial democracy around the world. In their eyes, racial discrimination is a myth. Well, I agree with the author when he says ‘it’s a myth to believe in racial democracy’ in certain places of the world.

It’s hard to prove racism and that right there makes it hard for many people around the world to see the micro-aggressions and cyber bullying non-Whites face on a regular basis especially in countries like the U.S.A, Brazil, and South Africa. Akande presented several cases of racial discrimination in his book from 2015 and prior years in Brazil. It’s appalling to say the least that many people behave like they are uncivilized. Clearly, they are uneducated. The Creator made us different for a  reason; so that we might get along and embrace each other by accepting our differences. It’s about tolerance.

One racist attack mentioned in the book actually reminded me of the plight of Viola Davis (in 2014) when she was called ‘less classically beautiful’ or unconventional beautiful. It was the case of Maria Júlia Countinho in July 2015.

Now, in my opinion, there are two types of non-Blacks who discriminate; those who are genuinely oblivious to the plight of non-Whites because of the blindness their privilege caused them and those who are hypocrites. The latter sees what’s happening but chooses to look the other way or pretend they didn’t see anything. This latter UNFORTUNATELY also includes the Muslims who think that just because our religion ordered us not to discriminate, all Muslims are immune to jahil; ignorance and preferential treatment. We are still human and our nafs can get in the way of practicing the deen properly.

To continue the review, Illuminating the Blackness : Blacks and African Muslims in Brazil by Habeeb Akande is divided into two parts.

Part I covers ‘the issue of race, anti-black racism, white supremacy, colourism, black beauty and affirmative action in contemporary Brazil.’ while part II covers ‘the reported African Muslims’ travels to Brazil before the Portuguese colonisers, the slave revolts in Bahia and the West African Muslim communities in nineteenth century Brazil.’

It’s really not a light read and it has to be heavy because many things play in the current state of affairs in Brazil. To understand the black consciousness movement in Brazil where colorism has 136 plus shades, you have to go at the beginning somewhat and read what activists and researchers have said all along.

At the beginning, they were Blacks and African Muslims in Brazil and the course of History has been changed and whitewashed. Realizing that, many Brazilians are now embracing their black heritage and prefer calling themselves Afro-Brazilian now instead of using colorism shades. Many are also turning to Islam instead because it gives them closure. After all, it’s the religion of their ancestors, the white supremacists tried to hide it from them and erase it.

While I’m not a true supporter of affirmative action due to personal reasons, I believe that if it can help less privileged minorities, why not.

Furthermore, ‘The author explores the black consciousness movement in Brazil and examines the reasons behind the growing conversion to Islam amongst Brazilians, particularly those of African descent. The author also shares his insights into the complexities of race in Brazil and draws comparisons with the racial histories of the pre-modern Muslim world including a comparative analysis of the East African Zanj slave rebellions in ninth century Baghdad with the West African Hausa and Yoruba slave rebellions in nineteenth century Bahia.’

While these Black Africans (Muslims and non-Muslims) were revolutionary military leaders and greatly contributed to the abolition of slavery in Brazil, this country still faces racial issues. The issue of race is very complex in Brazil because a person we might consider Black in the USA or in other parts of the world might call himself differently in Brazil. Race is truly in the eye of the beholder. Having said that, things are changing and many Brazilians with a miscegenated ancestry are choosing the term ‘Afro-Brazilian’ to identify themselves with a lot pride and defiance like I mentioned earlier.

And Brazil, a country with such a high population of Blacks still finds itself plagued with socio-economics disparities where the non-Black minority has the monopoly on EVERYTHING. Many successful non-Whites are now trying to change the status quo. Akande did a great job traveling there and interviewing the locals so that they may share their real experience with us. He also captured some pictures of the life there with some Historians, Activists, Muslims, Imams, non-Muslims, Models, Artists and Singers, etc.

In the end, it’s clear that the author is also trying to fight the assumption that Blacks needed slavery to become well-travelled and educated when Islam had already done that! Islam came to educate and instruct us to seek knowledge which many of the Black Africans had already done. Nevertheless, they were considered heathens and wrongly imprisoned. There are countless accounts of Black Africans travelling before Columbus ‘discovered’ the Americas. There are also countless reports of Black Africans being fluent in many languages and most of all Arabic.

Now, the tricky part was that because they knew Arabic, their African-ness was being denied to them. ‘These Blacks are perhaps not 100% Blacks because they appear smart and literate. They might be mixed’ was roughly the mentality the slavers and white supremacists and supporters thought of this African elite they had enslaved. Many Africans were already educated and believers before they fell prey to slavery from their own brothers and the white slavers.

In conclusion here, I found Illuminating the Blackness : Blacks and African Muslims in Brazil by Habeeb Akande a must read because it sheds a lot of light on many societal issues many people believe to be a myth to this day. Finally, the book forces the long and overdue honest discussion we need to have about race.

My rating: 5/5.

Thank you for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar

P.S. You can read more reviews on the author’s works here and here.

Originally published at HAYATI MAGAZINE.

Meet The Three Doctors Who Put Their Lives On The Line To Help In Syria

The civil war in Syria is devastating but I have hope of a better tomorrow because History reassures me. Many other people have hope and they include three brave Doctors of Chicago; John Kahler, Zaher Sahloul, and Samer Attar. Recently named Chicagoans of the Year 2016, they are also called The Combat Doctors who know that the better tomorrow of Syria and especially Aleppo lies in lending a hand to that country.

John Kahler

Kahler is a Pediatrician in Chicago, Illinois and he spent four days in Syria to help the growing number of victims without overwhelming assistance and proper help. The patients in Syria seriously outnumber the medical group by 1 doctor to 100 patients or more.

And according to Points of Lights, Dr. Kahler said, “It’s a catastrophe. You rarely find a building that hasn’t been damaged and the hospital we were in, M10, was underground because it had been bombed three times.”

M10 is no longer operational. It has been completely destroyed.

Zaher Sahloul

Dr. Sahloul is a critical care specialist born and raised in Syria. He stayed for four days in the summer of 2016 to help the wounded and innocent civilians too. Former president of the Syrian American Medical Society (SAMS), the doctor knew Bashar al-Assad. A staunch humanitarian in the awareness of the plight of Syria, Dr. Sahloul gives his all to help Syria by appealing to world leaders to help amongst other things. He has visited Syria several times since the war started.

Samer Attar

Also of Syrian ancestry, Attar is an orthopedic surgeon. His first efforts to help in the Syrian civil war date back to 2013 when he went with Dr. Zaher Sahloul. Last summer, he said, “I only did it twice but Syrian doctors, nurses, civilians, humanitarians they have to do this routinely. It’s their daily life.” Nevertheless the number of times he made the trip to Syria, it’s a brave act when he knew he could die any moment. He stayed two weeks.

The doctors also helped other patients which needed normal office visits issues.  They experienced the chaotic environment the medical group on site faces daily and went with the flow. Congratulations to this trio for showing us that we can all help any way we can. If you can’t travel there, you can raise awareness. You can also donate. Just, don’t be a bystander. Do something productive no matter how small you think it is.

Originally published at MVSLIM.

6 African Muslims Who Brought Islam To America You Should Know

As a Muslim of West African origin living in the United States, my Muslim-ness is always contested by Europeans, Americans, and even clueless Africans. They ask me questions like:

“Are you Muslim?” and “Were you born Muslim?”

I get asked these questions a lot by Americans because Islam is something that was made to sound foreign to them.

“I’ve never seen a Muslim from that country wear Hijab.”

Believe it or not, many Africans ask this question as if they are well-travelled.

Is your country predominantly Muslim?”

I get this question from European Muslims as if they had just discovered ‘water on Mars’. In their minds, Black Muslims are an oddity. Because I have been around many of them, I now know the reasoning behind asking such questions. They have the idea that All of Africa is uncivilized and only non-Muslims live there.

The strange thing is many of them have heard of Mansa Musa, the Malian Muslim King. Why they won’t add two and two together to infer that Islam has always been an old religion in Africa and in the USA, I don’t know. In addition, the US census has a record of approximately 300 slaves that had a Muslim surname who fought during the Civil War for freedom.

Throughout all these irritating questions, I try to keep my cool. I keep the frustrated comments, I want to utter, in my head, smile, and move on. However, what I want to tell them is Islam came to West Africa not too long after the 10th century. My ancestors were traders and this was how Islam came to us Mandinga. Islam has always been a religion of business. Furthermore, this also means that many West Africans were exposed to Islam before it was spread to Europe during the Ottoman empire and America via the Moriscos and the Transatlantic slaves.

According to Lost Islamic History, one example of an African Muslim who brought Islam to America is Bilali Muhammad. There are also others like Ayub Job Djallo, Yarrow Mamood, Ibrahim Abdulrahman ibn Sori,  Ummar ibn Sayyid (Omar ibn Said) and Salih Bilali.

Bilali Muhammad

Born around 1770 in the area of Africa which are known as Guinea and Sierra Leone today, Bilali Muhammad was an elite of the Fulani tribe. He knew Arabic and was knowledgeable in hadith, tafsir, and shariah matters. Because he was educated, he was allowed to rise in status in the slave community. Bilali Muhammad even wrote a 13 page manuscript on Islamic law from the Maliki Madhab called the Bilali Document that he gifted to his friend before his death. The manuscript was thought to be a diary until it was deciphered at al-Azhar university in Cairo. His manuscript is also known as Ben Ali Diary or Ben Ali Journal. Read more here.

Ayuba Suleiman Diallo

Ayub Job Djallo was born in Senegal from a respected Fulbe Muslim family. He was also known as Job Ben Solomon. He wrote some memoirs and was a slave in Maryland for a couple years. Sold into slavery as a result of a confusion, he eventually returned home in Senegal to his aristocratic roots still a Muslim. You can read more on him here.

Yarrow Mamout

Born in Guinea, Yarrow Mamood was born in 1736 and died in 1823 a free man. He arrived at the age of 14 years old in Maryland with his sister. Knowledgeable in Arabic, he practiced Islam openly until his death. Read more on him here.

Abdulrahman Ibrahim Ibn Sori

Ibrahim Abdulrahman ibn Sori was born in Guinea. He was also known as The Prince Amonsgt Slaves. Son of King Sori from the village of Timbo, Abdulrahman was a military leader. He became a slave as a result of an ambush and sold to a slave owner by the name of Thomas Foster in Mississipi. Ibn Sori got married and had children. Abdulrahman worked for 40 years before his release. He died during his trip back. He had even wrote a letter to his family in West Africa in Arabic which was read by the Sultan of Morocco Abderrahmane who found it deeply touching and petitioned U.S. President John Quincy Adams to release him.

Omar ibn Said

Ummar ibn Sayyid was born in Fuuta Toro, Senegal in 1770. Captured in 1807, he became known as Omar Moreau and Prince Omeroh according to Muslimofusa.Though there are reports that say he converted to Christianity later in his life, many sources say that there was more than met the eye in his situation. Nevertheless, he was known to be an Islamic scholar, knowledgeable in many fields from arithmetic to theology who wrote several Arabic texts.

Salih Bilali

Salih Bilali was born in Mali and captured in 1782. It was reported that his last words on his death bead were the shahada according to the Abolition Institute. Robert Abbot, founder of the Chicago Defender, is his descendant.

In conclusion, all the continents contributed to the spread of Islam, Africa included. So how can they deny such a legacy?

Jazakh’Allah khair for reading,

Papatya*

Originally published at MVSLIM.

Cure Your Was’was & Weh'm Forever by Hassan Khalid

Bismillah,

Cure Your Was'was & Weh'm Forever by Hassan Khalid is a manual I think those suffering from Obessesive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and satanic whispers will find helpful insha'Allah.

The book is about 150 pages and is composed of five chapters. Brother Khalid also has online courses available here. Both (the book and the course) are at affordable prices in my opinion based on the insight and knowledge they provide masha'Allah.

Chapter 1 covers the Introduction and details the Quranic and science perspective of Was'was. The chapter ends with the link made by the author between OCD and Was'was (satanic whispers) which undermine the productivity of many people on a daily basis.

To continue, chapter 2 deals with the Symptoms of Was'was in six scenarios which are:

- During salaat

- While making ablutions or wudu

- Blasphemous thoughts that often occur in our thinking

- The war Iblis declared on mankind

- Feelings of being constantly unclean

- and While dreaming.

In addition to that, chapter 3 depicts Compulsions We Do when afflicted with Was'Was while chapter 4 lays the Remedies available to Cure Was'Was.

Finally, in chapter 5, the author provides authentic hadiths and authentic duas to help with Was'was.

If you know anybody who is in need of this book, please don't hesitate to share the review and link to Cure Your Was'was & Weh'm Forever and its courses with them insha'Allah. May Allah reward Author Khalid for taking the time and effort to help the ummah in need, amiin.

He has gained a lot of support and positive reviews you can read on his website insha'Allah.

Rating: 4/5

Jazakh'Allah khair for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar

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Like A Garment - A Review

Like A Garment is an eBook by Shaykh Yasir Qadhi that aims to educate to-be married and married couples in need of sex education and other marital problems they will or might face at some point in married life. It's about 42 pages long and has been recently dubbed '50 shades of Halal Intimacy.' To get your free copy, go here.

The eBook mainly focus on the well-known hadith of Jabir and it gives several tafsir of the hadith which are beneficial for both men and women. Why? Because it's imperative for both sexes to be patient with one another and understand where their respective counterpart is coming from. And that, Like A Garment helps with.

   "Jabir b. Abdillah reported that once he was on an expedition with the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam, and when they were close to the city of Madinah, he sped on his mount. The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, “I am recently married!” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked, “To an older lady or a younger one?” [the Arabic could also read: “To a widow or a virgin?”], to which he replied, “A widow.”

    The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said, “But why didn't you marry a younger girl, so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?”

    He said, “O Messenger of Allah! My father died a martyr at Uhud, leaving behind daughters, so I did not wish to marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them.” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa salam replied, “You have made the correct choice.”

    Jabir continues, “So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said to me, 'Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who has not shaved may shave her private area.' Then he said to me, 'When you enter upon her, then be wise and gentle.'”

To continue, Like A Garment highlights famous scholars like Iman al-Qurtubi and his teacher Ibn al-Arabi's jaw dropping comments about sex education which are nonetheless insightful for men who are not familiar with the female body but who are eager to learn for the purpose to excel in the art of sexual and love making. The eBook also gives Quranic verses, some insights from Imam Al-Ghazali, how men think versus how women think amongst other things like the reason behind the given descriptions of the Hooris we know.

For women who feel threatened by the Hooris, just remember that your beauty will surpass the one of the Hooris. So you can relax :) insha'Allah. Please read this post for more details.

In conclusion, you can read more on the author's intentions here.

Rating: 3.5/5

Jazakh'Allah khair for reading,

Papatya*

Illuminating The Performance : African and Arab Erotology by Habeeb Akande

Illuminating the Performance is a 162 page self-help manual by author Habeeb Akande geared to a man audience about the art of sexual love and lovemaking; erotology. Habeeb Akande is a British born writer and historian of Yoruba descent. He is an alumnus of al-Azhar University in Cairo, Egypt and Kingston University in the UK. He is also the author of Illuminating the Darkness: Blacks and North Africans in Islam and Illuminating the Blackness: Blacks and African Muslims in Brazil, and A Taste of Honey: Sexuality and Erotology in Islam.

I said that Illuminating the Performance is a self-help book which is true because the voice Akande uses throughout his manual is cautionary. He gives advice to the novice targeted male audience based upon his experience. Having said that, the book also draws from his researches based on ninth centuries Afro-Arab love treatises. It also uses contemporary quotes from sex educator like Lou Paget  and authors like Dr. Boyce Watkins so that the modern reader can relate to the heeds being given. Furthermore, it relays African proverbs and modern day adages to keep the book interesting. My favorite quote with bias is an Ivorian proverb that says : "If a woman doesn't love you, she calls you a brother." Read more here.

To continue, I found the book chauvinist at times because it came across to me like men see themselves better than women. Especially, when Akande spelled out the characteristic of the Lion Womanizer versus the Hyena Womanizer. That said, I know women are also guilty of being chauvinistic toward men at times so I didn't let these small instances spoil the book for me. And the book closes well and attains the goal set; giving tips on erotology to those who need it.

So divided into 11 short chapters to keep the reader engaged, Illuminating the Performance describes 11 topics by referring to each as an art. For instance, chapter 7 covers the topic of seduction. Thus, it's titled 'The Art of Seduction'. Now, compared to A Taste of Honey, this book doesn't have scriptures throughout it. Therefore, a novice heterosexual and non-Muslim man will probably not see a problem reading it. A novice heterosexual and Muslim man on the other hand needs to be aware that he needs to keep mahram rules and other Islamic rules about free-mixing in mind while reading in my opinion.

Overall, I really think that Illuminating the Performance is a book many men who seek guidance in satisfying their spouses will benefit from.

You can get your copy on Amazon or at Rabaah Publishing here.

Rating: 4/5

Thank you reading,

Papatya*

Turkey’s Failed Coup d’État

Bismillah,

I have relatives who are Turkish or live in Turkey. And if you get the chance to talk to them, they often come off proud and patriotic, much like the Texans; always full of zeal. In fact, Texans display their flag anywhere and everywhere; and love to tell you their logo, ‘The Lone Star State’. They have even attempted to become an independent country by their seceding attempts from the USA. Anyways, I was always skeptical of Turkish people with their sometimes high sense of superiority until I read an article by Raeesa Patel in SISTERS Magazine where she wrote “…A Muslim’s Heritage. In a hadith we learn that our Prophet (sallallahu aleihi wassalam) once gave glad tidings to his companions by saying “You will conquer Constantinople. Its commander will be the best, and its army will be the best.” (Ahmad) https://goo.gl/THi7JV

It was then that I understood where the Turkish zeal was coming from, at last. The greatness of its people was long predicted by our beloved Prophet (SAW). And it is that same zeal and sense of patriotism they recently displayed when their leader called upon them to save their country from assailants. Most Turkish politicians generally seem so motivational when you listen to them even if you don’t understand what they are saying. You sense their great public speaking skills in the way they talk and carry their speech. The way the crowd cheers and roars at their words of exhortation. To digress more, Author Sheima Summer also recently shared her experience in Turkey http://goo.gl/uzwyEu . As for me, I was working from home in the afternoon around 2 p.m. on that particular Friday when my younger brother called to tell me the awful news, subhanAllah. He really follows the news. I immediately called my husband who came from work early that day, and we tuned into the news together. Then, we reached our relatives in Turkey via skype. Unfortunately, they were sleeping at the time and didn’t know what was happening because it was so late there. The militants had shut down the media and several bridges to ensure that their plans to overthrow Recep Tayyip Erdoğan’s government went as planned. We silently prayed for Turkey. I went on social media and requested duas (prayers) from my friends and they kept us in their prayers. No one wanted to relive the Arab Springs again. No one wanted another Egypt with a puppet regime, so we implored our Lord as we kept watching Turkish News (at least the ones that weren’t shut down). We stopped watching CNN because they were reporting misleading information. No surprise there.

Nothing happens except only by the will of Allah. Alhamdullilah, as the brave and patriotic Turkish people descended upon the streets to take their country back, Allah saved this nation. The power and control shifted rather quickly. I’m still amazed at their courage. Their president asked them to do a difficult thing; put their lives on the line for the sake of their faith and country. And they responded in great numbers because Only Allah should be feared. This was a great historical moment of ‘Power by the People’.

Since the coup, several things have taken place in Turkey:

-        The mutineers have been apprehended and Fethullah Gülen, a former ally of Erdoğan is believed to be behind the failed coup with FETÔ (Gülenist Terror Organisation (Fetullahçı Terör Örgütü)); a terrorist organization he’s alleged to be the head of;

-        The defendant Fethullah Gülen lives in the USA, Pennsylvania to be exact. Turkish expats are still protesting in front of his house;

-        Turkey has demanded Fethullah Gülen’s extradition but the USA is stalling or waiting for more proof. If the USA doesn’t comply, Turkey will no longer release to them anymore high profile and wanted criminals like in the past;

-        The word ‘Democracy’ has been adopted and used a lot as a new slogan in Turkey for all to know. The people marched. Mobilization campaigns were held around the country to show a united front. The President and the Prime Minister made appearances all around the country to speak at massive events;

-        Free transportation was awarded to the residents of Turkey as a token of gratitude;

-        People were in the streets as vigilante for nearly three weeks because they were told not to let their guards down. Now, their democratic demonstration has been relocated to Yenikapi; a huge park by the water. A military tactic in my opinion, since it’s next to a harbor. The assailants came by plane and landed in a stadium. A typical thing for resistances (attack by air, land, or sea). So I think the President is trying to have people watch an invasion by sea too;

-        There were jannaazah (funeral) services for over 217 dead people. The Prime Minister visited several injured in the hospital;

-        A new General has been appointed and the review of several security footages took place. The coup was supposed to start at 3 p.m. but it started early. Their plan was made public due to the data collected through their paper notes. It also revealed the names of military officials they were going to appoint in each state, the curfew times, the WhatsApp exchanges between the mutineers and their leaders;

-        These helped as evidence and the piecing of the coup background better. Thousands of people have been arrested as a result. Some had fled to neighboring countries but they were caught and repatriated to Turkey;

-        According to the news, one dollar bills were found in the pockets of all the mutineers and footage of a General of the Pentagon meeting 1 hour before the coup in a Turkish military base appeared. Whether American politicians and the CIA are behind it, we don’t know. All we know is that an attempt on a leading and strong Muslim nation which has recently paid off his debt occurred;

-        It’s said that Gullen gave names of some pentagon officers he’s worked with.

I don’t particularly care much for Erdoğan. He has been accused of being Authoritarian. That being said, a military government is not the solution because of power corrupt people, especially the military. I have seen it in my own country which went through several coups led by the military. It’s sad and the consequences are dire. A military army is the strength of a country and it’s also its weakness.

I pray that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) grant Jannat al-Firdaws to the martyrs who lost their lives during this calamitous event. Ameen. Muslim nations and Muslims around the world supported Turkey and will take an example from its people to stand up for themselves going forward. Not that they haven’t in the past, but this is a new unprecedented record set by a Muslim nation masha’Allah. Let’s continue to pray for every ummati out there insha’Allah.

Bio: Papatia Feauxzar is a West African Author living in Dallas, Texas with her son and husband. She also holds a Master degree in Accounting with a concentration in Personal Finance. She now works from home alhamdullilah. Visit her at www.djarabikitabs.com .

Rio Recap: Cheick Sallah Cissé Wins Ivory Coast First Gold Medal

Ivory Coast, formally known as La Côte d’Ivoire enters in the history on August 20, 2016 with its first Olympic gold medal in Taekwondo and in any sport with Cheick Sallah Cissé at the 2016 Games of Rio de Janeiro.

Cissé is a 23 year old Ivorian who competed in the men’s 80 kg in Brazil against Britani’s Lutalo Muhammad and won 8 to 6 at the last second. The British didn’t demerit, he received the silver medal.

(Picture from Abidjan.Net)

Before the 2016 Olympic, Cheick Cissé won several medals in Europe and Africa. To name a few, he won gold at the 2015 African Games held in Congo Brazzaville in the same category; men’s 80 kg. He also performed well in Russia and Turkey where he won gold and silver respectively in 2015 Grand Prix competition games. From all types of competitions Cissé entered, his known medals are to this date, seven gold, two bronze, and four silver medals. Impressive! Congratulations Cissé. You deserve this win too.

The athlete dedicated his gold medal to the President of Ivory Coast, Son Excellence Monsieur Alassane Dramane Ouattara, his father, his mother, his coaches, and his fans.

Ivory Coast now has its first Olympic gold medal in the sport after the silver it won in 1984 in men’s 400 meters by Gabriel Tiacoh in Los Angeles and the bronze medal won by the teammate of Cissé, Ruth Gbabgi for women’s Taekwondo 67kg, in 2016.

Cissé is a triple African Champion in Taekwondo and now he’s an Olympic winner writing the name of the Ivory Coast in Gold. Cheick Sallah Cissé, your country says, ‘Thank You!’ .

(Picture from Abidjan.Net)

P.S. Read about African Olympians who deserve special mention as well here.

L’Américaine – Part 2

Uthman suddenly felt weightless and cooled by a light freeze when he first saw her. Not that he was big anyways. He felt like a slender bird levitating for a bit. She seemed to be gliding toward him with a stroller when he turned around as he talked with his device. His instructions were cut off half-way through and his mouth hang opened. The air seemed to have left his lungs for a few moments that felt like an eternity of seconds. Mouth dry and parched, he gnawed at his lips with a strong and warm urge spreading to his body. This is the woman of my dreams, he said to himself decidedly. A beacon of light indeed and I’m the hopeless fly that will get burned or swatted for sure. I’ll be damned if I don’t try to get her attention. Here we go, he added and took a deep breath before saying, “Can I help you sister catch a ride?” His doe eyes growing by the minute, he unloaded his cuteness factor on her. He saw how shy she played it. How cool she pretended to be but he had impeccably studied her and he spotted a little discomfort in her demeanor. When she told him that her uncle would be there to pick her and she quickly dismissed him, he scolded himself. Dang! That’s it? I knew I was stupid to think she would give me the light of day. A hijabi like her has no time to be aimlessly socializing with non-mahrams. As he was accepting defeat, another voice in him urged him to try again from another angle so he mustered up all his courage left and approached her again. To hell with it! What’s the worse that can happen? A slap, silence, or a complaint. I can fend off a complaint by saying I was doing my job. Liar, a voice said but he ignored it. It’s a half truth and  Uthman was okay with his reasoning. So he let out the next words, “Where are you from sister?” He was confident that she would bite. It was just a hunch. When she told him to guess, he thought, “See, we’re getting somewhere.” to himself. Her facial features were broader, a gorgeous Nubian nose and she was very petite with a lovely ebony face. He didn’t know if he was in love with her but he was definitely attracted to her and whether she had a baby or not wasn’t an issue. Please God, let her be single. He knew seldom Muslim women wore jewelry outside buy she wasn’t wearing a ring and in the West, this was a major giveaway. Besides, she looks too serious to be involved with someone. She seemed too guarded in his opinion. He guessed Nigeria because she was dressed modestly and from his experience, the West Africans for the majority of time that didn’t care which country they were in and still donned the hijab regardless of what society thought of them were mostly conservative Muslim Nigerian girls. His answer earned him a frown and he was afraid he had offended her. Well, she was on the phone maybe that was it. He thought. Or maybe she didn’t want to be associated with a country that first brings scams to mind and then other positive things. Recollecting his thoughts, he caught a few French words from her conversation. Ah ah! French. He didn’t fail French classes and he wasn’t clueless about it either. Ah ben oui! French West Africa. That’s it. Excited, he guessed again hoping she would come out and say it since he was on the right path. To his surprise, she shut him down and disappeared behind the pristine doors. Moron! She scared her away and you forgot about lowering your damn gaze! Stop being foolish and get back to work! He continued uttering a series on chastisement on himself until a man tried to park by the gate she had just left. Africans, always thinking he’ll do them a favor just because they’re from the same motherland. The sign clearly says ‘No Parking’! He thought annoyingly until the man said, “My man, I won’t be long. My niece was just here I think with her young son. She said she’s going to pray quick and come back.” That got Uthman’s attention.

“How does she look like?” he asked next intrigued. Maybe they could help each other after all. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

“Oh…maybe 5 foot 4, wearing a headscarf, and definitely without that no-good ex-husband!” the tall African man said, getting suddenly riled up.

“It’s okay, calm down. I saw her. So you’re her uncle huh?”Uthman asked, traipsing on his words and scratching his head in embarrassment.

“Oh yea. She’s cute isn’t she?” the uncle said, winking. “She needs a good man. She deserves a good man.”

Uthman agreed but he wondered if the man was distracting him with his speech so he could pass time and park there for a short while. And while he was at it, attempt to match-make his niece or ‘pimp’ her without her being present so that Uthman looked the other way for just a couple minutes. All these possibilities flashed in his mind in a matter of seconds and Uthman wasn’t sure what to think but he was definitely skeptical. Since he wanted to know more about the enigma that she was, he indulged the uncle in his tales and asked the right questions about Femta. They laughed and joked for a little until she barged in.

“Let’s go Tonton,” she said, scowling intensely at Uthman as she walked away toward her Tonton’s black SUV. Her uncle said goodbye to Curly Locks and run to help her put her things in the car.

Uthman smiled widely and hopeful as the car drove away. He spotted the back of her floral scarf and the cheek kisses and hugs the family members exchanged once inside the car. He tore his gaze away from them and continued hatching his plan. His sister Basma owed him a favor and it was time for her to pay up!

To be continued…

Read Part 1

©Papatia Feauxzar 2016

~Picture: African Violets~

Original Source

What Do Women Want From You?

Bismillah,

What Do Most Women Want From You (The Men We Love)? It's simple; Jannat al-Firdaws by your side insha'Allah. Will that be hard for us to do? Yes. Why? Because some of us tend to loose our patience with you men. And the coming hadith was true at least a few times in my marriage. I'm not a perfect wife and I made tawbah alhamdullilah because I know my Emperor is more than generous masha'Allah.

Bukhaari and Muslim narrated from Ibn `Abbas (may Allaah be plesead with him) that the Prophet, sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam, said: "O women, give charity, for I have surely seen that you form the majority of the inhabitants of Hell." They asked, `Why is this so, O Messenger of Allaah?" He said, "Because you curse too much, and are ungrateful for good treatment (on the part of your husbands)." According to another report given by Bukhaari, he said, "because they are ungrateful for good and kind treatment. Even if you treated one of them (these ungrateful women) well for an entire lifetime, then she saw one fault in you, she would say, `I have never seen anything good from you!" (The Ideal Muslimah, pg.93)

So I own it. I've done it and I know many have done it out there.  I have doubt sometimes because judgement day will be so meticulous that even some of the prophets (aleihi salam) will think they won't get into Jannat. So who am I think that I'm already guaranteed it? I'm no one. In fact, I'm no accountant compared to HIM. However, I do my part as well. For that, I know I will be rewarded insha'Allah for a woman came to ask the Prophet, sallallaahu `alayhi wasallam, about some matter, and when he had dealt with it, he asked her, "Do you have a husband?" She said, "Yes." He asked her, "How are you with him?" She  said, "I never fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me." He said, "Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell. (The Ideal Muslimah, pg.86)

Now, what would push a woman to say ungrateful things to her husband every now and then when she knows well he provides fully for the family or tries but still comes up short at times? A few scenarios run through my mind but in my opinion the main reason a woman would say something that hurtful which could cost her an eternal and blissful after-life is perhaps because her husband tend to gift her common gifts and not specific gifts. I know, she should be grateful and to some extent she probably is. But who doesn't like to feel extra special every now and then with a gift that is not intended to the household, the parents, or the children? Everybody!

So what consists of a specific gift? A specific gift includes for instance, a treat at the spa. A common gift is with no mistake a vacuum! A specific gift is giving her the moon. And for each woman the moon would be different. Therefore, you have to know your woman. A common gift is taking care of your assigned divine duties like paying the rent or the groceries and mistaking that for specific gifts. If that is a specific gift, a woman cooking food everyday for her family would be a specific gift. Her doing her duties is a common gift. Let's get this straight.

Where am I going with these ramblings? A marriage is a team work. Each of us is a garment for the other. We compliment each other. All I'm saying is that you help us get there (paradise) with you. Be fair to us women. Be mindful and less challenging. Happy wife, happy life.

Wassalam,

*Papatya*

Why Arguments Don’t Necessarily Mean Doom For Your Relationship

Bismillah,

They say that a relationship with no arguments is one with a LOT of secrets. It’s true to some extent. Arguments aren’t always a sign of doom for our marriages because sometimes they act like the therapy needed to air out things we were perhaps reluctant to voice under normal conditions.

However, when strong emotions are added to the mix, we stop caring. In fact, we want to hurt and inflict a deep cut with our words. We are tired and we want change! Now, as long as the things we voice are concerns and pet peeves we would like our partners to remediate to, we are still walking toward each other to better the marriage.

Because there are also certain things which when we voice are a point of no return. They can end a relationship so let’s be mindful of those because they can create a chasm in a relationship and things will change and will never be the same again. Therefore before you cross the line of no return with your statements, make sure that’s what you really want. Besides, they are better ways to address those; when emotions are stable.

Now, an argument is not a bad sign if :

• The argument makes you closer and relieved after the sting of the fight subsides
• The argument improves and helps in the disappearance of one of a few pet peeves mentioned during the fight
• The argument reboots your love and care for each other
• The argument makes you secure because your mind is at peace for voicing your concerns
• The argument gives you the space you need to reflect and perhaps help you be more productive with other activities that needed your attention (Now, don’t go looking for fights so that you can have some time alone without anybody crowding your space).
• The argument helps you avoid embarrassment in front of others in the future. Perhaps your partner criticized your manner to eat in public which perhaps needs some polishing and you took offense and then later realized the truth in it.

Above all, arguments have both positive and negative impacts on a relationship. If the negative outweigh the positive, you should perhaps seek professional help. And as always, implore your Creator to help you figure out things when you believe there is no more room to grow.

You can read more on relationships here.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar

The Written Stuff vs. The Not Written Stuff: Sex Education From An Islamic Perspective Part I & II

Part I, Written by By Saadia Haq of The Human Lens

This time in our collaboration we are discussing the unspeakable at length – yes the most tabooed subject among present day Muslim communities; sexual health education and rights.

Islamic countries are complicated really, they are. Just imagine being born in a society where women buying sanitary pads or a boy asking his father about the changes he’s experiencing as a teenager is deemed inappropriate and seriously frowned upon. Here being unmarried culturally stops Muslim youth from gaining sex education and young Muslims marrying too have no proper channel to learn the Islamic teachings on sexuality and intimacy between spouses.

Off course a lot of domestic abuse, patriarchal customs including marital rape of women get happily justified by numerous Muslims in the name of Islam. The present day Muslim male fear of ‘uncontrolled women’ has resulted into justification of male guardianship over women’s sexuality in the family as well as in Muslim laws, this is reflected in our present societies. As insecure male notions of female sexuality helped shape gender biased Muslims laws justified under Sharia and Sunnah.

I live in an Islamic country where a Muslim bride is told that Islam does not allow her to learn about the “wedding night” rituals and that she should stay silent while her husband performs the deed. When parents tell such dreadful bullcrap to daughters, I wonder how and from where we gain the courage to go ahead into a marriage whose founding bricks are on fear and silence. While back in that century when Islam’s Prophet was alive, Muslim men and women were never too shy to ask him questions including those related to private affairs such as sexual life, yet for today’s Muslim parents, sex is a dirty word.

The real problem of Muslim societies is their cultural upbringing, not their religious training because often they are brought up in a state of ignorance with regards to sex issues. And due to this, they aren’t comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression.

Another big problem faced by our communities is following blindly illiterate clerics promoting strange and gender insensitive ideologies on human sexuality. Most Muslims don’t try to research their own religion; they leave it to such so-called teachers. These sorta male clerics are responsible for limited and inaccurate teachings on sexuality topic in the name of Islam, big example is the anti-birth control laws and teachings, which allow men to enjoy unprotected sex but send their wives to illegal abortion clinics where many end up dying in the streets of Cairo, Lahore and Jakarta. For so-called Muslim clerics, birth control pill is haram, but a malnourished pregnant woman dying in unsafe abortion surgeries is ok!

There are other nonsenses’- little boys unaware that a certain “uncle” has not to play with his private parts and a first timer menstruating girl being shamed into silence and beaten. Recently in Pakistan, a secondary school’s biology curriculum got banned under pressure from Islamic hardliners who said, “The material in this book is about human reproduction and this can provoke sexual desire, this cannot be tolerated and we will allow any one to teach our children such material which is against our societal and religious beliefs.”

Really, Pakistan? And this is the society where we have a high prevalence of rape and sexual violence incidents. Recently I spoke to a young female counselor who works in a NGO run initiative; a help line for imparting sexual reproductive health information to youth where young boys and girls can make a call for discussing these sensitive issues. Twenty-eight years old, Rubina* told me obviously they get a lot of calls as young people can approach them without disturbing the usual cultural norms.

She further added the idea among Muslim parents is that sexuality is a taboo for girls because only the marred have right to speak about it and those unmarried have no rights to information. She lamented that Muslim communities are totally oblivious that girls are supposed to know about their genital organs and bodies for their future marriage and also know the sexual intimacy between couples.

Most Muslim parents and elders aren’t accurately informed about sexual rights and find it easy to close the topic with popular statements like “Islam doesn’t allow this and so on.”

While in reality, it’s the responsibility of the parents to have healthy discussions with both sons and daughters and to help them think critically about sexual health matters. To know more on that, wait for Papatia’s part ii which will shed some wonderful perils on this sensitive topic.

***

Part II, Written by By Papatia Feauxzar of Between Sisters, SVP

Our prophet sallallahu aleihi wassalam said, “The person to whom Allah gives a child must give him a nice name, must raise the child right, must teach the child when s/he reaches puberty, and must start making arrangements to wed his or her offspring. If the parent doesn’t plan for these things and that the child sins, the parent is responsible for the sin.”

Now, no one said to force your children in marriage at an early age or worse, make plans for them. What you need to do, is to instill the fear of Allah in them. If there is no Allah everything is possible in the bad way. And if there is Allah everything is possible in a good way. If they learn to fear Allah, they’ll not deviate from the right path insha’Allah. That said, no one is perfect and we also learn from our mistakes but it’s better not to learn the hard way.

Therefore, that's why we need to tell children who reach puberty about condoms and other methods to protect themselves from diseases and unwanted pregnancies if they decide to be sexually active. We have to be honest with ourselves and admit that teenagers can't be tamed to a specific mold. They are curious about sex and their private parts. And it's normal. Satisfying that curiosity with proper sexual education is what will stop the wondering and appease their mind. Keeping secrets is actually thrilling. However, when things are in broad day light and the light shone upon, they kinda loose their appeal. I can guarantee that being open about this taboo can change the dynamics. If children know what they risk by being sexually active, they will think twice before doing anything.

Trying to hide the truth about sexuality to them is not helping them. Au contraire, it worsens things. Why? Because many non-educated teenagers do the following which is not an exhaustive list:

- They learn about sexuality from their friends under unsupervised eyes

- They become secretive about their whereabouts and actions

- They start to be sexually active without the knowledge of their closed-minded or careless parents

- They get unwanted diseases (some for life), pregnancies, abortions, die, etc.

- They get themselves molested because they don't know the restrictions they need to impose on their bodies and on others.

- They also don't know who to tell and how to report the abuse!

OR

- They fear sexuality from a young age and view it as something dirty and unhealthy for the rest of their lives.

- They dread their first nuptial night and have no idea how to have a taste of honey

- They see sex as a chore; a needed chore for just reproduction instead of a fun relaxing activity

- They have no idea that sex is holy and an act of worship if done within halal boundaries. The proof? It is Sunnah to make duas before the act: “Bismillah, Allahumma jannibna-sh-shaitan, wa jannibi-sh-shaitan ma razaqtana (In the name of Allah, O Allah, keeps us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from what you may grant us).” Muslim

In conclusion, we all need to realized that sexual education is a needed subject to be discussed and taken seriously. Everyone should be aware of its importance and report, anonymously or not, to the abuse hotlines which are very common these days. Without sexual education, things look ugly for newlyweds and marriage; half our deen. It also endangers our children who can turn into abusers themselves. The cycle never ends and we will continue perversely that way. We must stop being prudish. We must not be vulgar either. We should just be moderate and show haya and tact when we discuss this sexual education. #SexEd

Note: ‘The Written vs. NOT Written Stuff’ is a copyrighted collaborative feature series bringing forward attention towards serious issues within the global Muslim communities. This is a joint initiative of two Muslimah writers, Papatia Feauxzar of Djarabi Kitabs Publishing and Saadia Haq of The Human Lens. We will be pleased to hear your feedback, here at wordpress or through email which ever medium works for you.  Copyrights @2015 – 2016

The Duties of the Son-in-Law

What are the duties of the son-in-law in Islam? I did plenty of research and I kept coming up with articles about Mother-Son and Wife issues; the Oedipus complex. I was more interested in a different combination; Mother-Daughter and Husband.

Truthfully, I couldn't find anything with a good substance or scripture. Disappointed, I reflected on the few good men of my biological family since I grew up around them. And alhamdullilah, I came up with a list of things they strove to make their duties.

1. They respected their wives

The few good men knew the women they married were valued in the eyes of their respective families. So they took heed and put these women in their lives on a pedestal. What father doesn't see his daughter as special or any man unworthy of his true gem? Many if not all! Fathers are reluctant about their sons-in-law but realize somehow, somewhere, that they were once scrutinized by their in-laws and they back down some. Some but not completely. 

2. They were generous

The few good men always helped their in-laws when they needed money or any other service. Even if the few good men didn't have it, they strove to help any way they could. Over the years, I have heard some men say to their wives, "I'm not obligated to help your family." Sure, perhaps they aren't obliged to help but it shows good manners and courtesy when a son-in-law makes it his duty to be generous to his in-laws. The in-laws will pray for him. And duas and the after-life can't be bought!

3. They inspired leadership

The few good men knew how to lead their families (theirs, their wives', and their nuclear one). When their names are mentioned, you could see the awe and respect in the family members' eyes. They were proud of their sons.

4. They respected their elders and in-laws

The few good men never trampled all over customs and traditions just because they made more money than the rest of the family. Their status never got to their heads. They observed to the letter the way to receive in-laws and how to send them off after their stay; usually with PLENTY of fare money. Now, not every son-in-law has pockets full of cash. But, if they can't support their in-laws financially, they strove to put their in-laws on a high and respected pedestal above the wives they had married. To finish here, the few good men never felt like their family name or history entitled them to a tribal superiority.

5. They made an effort to know the extended family

The few good men knew their respective families and the family they married into very well!

With mahram rules as a curve ball, this can be challenging. However, it doesn't hurt to inquire on non-mahram every now and then so that you can show that you care. And if your mother-in-law remarried, strive to know her new husband. It says that you care and that you were raised right. If language is a barrier, ask your wife to act as a translator. It's actually quite easy because I've done this plenty. It's so embarrassing when you don't know who married who or what in your family because mahram rules are so far your hmm. *Forgive my French.*

A man who doesn't know his own family will probably never know his wife's family well. It's that simple. Of course we should live like Al-Goraba but we should condemn poor social skills. Islam is a religion of peace that encourages good manners and neighborliness. Also, don't make assumptions about your in-laws if you barely know them. They could be better Muslim than you. 

Why is it that when it comes to good manners that Islam dictates, a well-mannered son-in-law is suddenly not 'required'? I get it, a good wife doesn't distribute the belongings of her husband to her family and so forth. I doubt the Sunnah says to men 'Close your door to your in-laws, they are not your responsibility. They should stay at a hotel. etc.'

That's where I say "Etre de mauvaise foi." Why? Because family cultures are suddenly seen as un-Islamic when they have nothing to do with Islam really. It's about common courtesy instead.

Above all, many men need to get rid of that 'I have no duties toward your family' mentality. It's selfish, totalitarian, and plain ole dictator'ish' . 

Wassalam,

Papatia Feauxzar

Leader of the Household

“Men shall take full care of women with the bounties which Allah has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, and with what they may spend out of their possessions….”.
[Qur’an 4:34]

Bismillah,

Very often, I see some brothers complain about still being single. I also often see some whine and whine about it. There are many reasons they aren’t successful. One main reason is that some of them are jobless. Another reason is that they don’t make enough money in the eyes of the family of the prospective bride. Further reasons can be racism. By racism, I am not talking about the black and white type that is still sneaking around… I am talking about the racism that borders more with tribalism. If tribalism is your obstacle to land a bride, pray Allah to help you find one who won’t care if you are the same tribe. But if that route doesn’t work, you have to marry for Islam (the required pious spouse) instead of your desire to marry that specific type you have in mind because all these superficial desires don’t last. They expire along with love at some point except the religion and the Supreme you married for.

Now, if lack of money and a job are the reasons you aren’t married yet, these are fixable. It all depends on you. It all depends on how courageous you are. I shall explain. I have come across old men up to the age of 100 years old that still had a job to provide for their families and I have also came across the not so dedicated ones. Old men too. They just sit all day long; pray, eat, chat. They are proud to see their wives bring bread to the table. This is so wrong in Islam. If you are sound and healthy but you let your wife do YOUR job, may Allah help you in the akhiret.

I have also seen young dedicated men that work up to three jobs and go to school so that their wives can be the queens they deserve to be. They do all that so that their family lacks of nothing in the name of the religion they believe in. Some did small jobs; from cleaning jobs to fast food clerks or managers.  They just do any halal job under the sun to make ends meet. They’re truly courageous ones. If they don’t go to school, it is what it is. They still findna way to excel in an area that becomes a steady income for them. For instance, construction (very popular), mechanic (also very popular), selling fresh groceries in a truck around town, selling kitchen apparel, etc. The list of jobs available in endless.

I also came across men that lived with their in-laws because they wanted to save and the mother-in-law was so nice that the daughter-in-law didn’t care to live there until they were kicked out nicely to go find their own place. The wife loved living with her in-laws! So, your mothers you mama’s boys out there can be a deal breaker if they’re mean, evil, out there to dismantle your relationship with your future wife.

I have also seen young less dedicated ones (the lazy ones) scheme the public for fast and easy money with identity theft, messing with djinns, and whichcraft to rise fast and impress the targeted people they have in mind. Only to end up dead because they dealt with djinns who are not trustworthy or in jail. The courageous ones always prevail as they choose the safe and halal way to become a leader in their families.

These men I am referring to above exist in my family (biological and in-laws) and friends and relatives. So, I am not preaching here. I have seen it up-close. The courageous ones here have the nicest and cleanest houses I have ever seen. They worked hard to get there and still work hard to put food on the table. The grandchildren don’t even look up to their fathers who have it all, the way they do their grandfathers. They look up to the grandparents who set the leading example to their children that carried it on to their own children.

So, what you should get from this post is that if you want a wife so much, you need to put the effort in. You need to be a go-getter and you need to work whatever halal job you come across to save this money to make your dream come true. Live with your parents if you have to until you have enough saved to start your family. So what if it’s not a desk job? If anyone thinks that the job that you’re practicing is not honorable because you don’t wear a suit to work then forget them. They worship money and that is not Islam. We should be modest in Islam not label worried. Don’t buy extravagant things with your money such as the latest car, the last phones, the latest tablet, the latest games, etc. This kind of living above your means is the reason some people have nothing and live off credit cards. I speak from experience because I am a penny pincher and chose a very simple life not to brag to you. We can afford many pricy things but we chose only to spend on the necessary things.

Please read this article here if you’re interested in becoming an ideal Husband. Not only women have to the be ideal Muslimahs:). It’s very insightful.

I hope this post helps brothers in need of guidance or a reality check.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading.

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com .