The White Elephant – A Review

The White Elephant is a must read for anyone contemplating the idea of marriage or anyone going through a divorce. As the Love and Relationship Editor for Hayati Magazine, I try to counsel married and non-married folks on the institution of marriage. These tips usually stem from personal experience and/or the realities on the ground I have witnessed. So after reading The White Elephant, I can say that the author Aishah Adams did a great job at compiling things a Muslimah seeking marriage needs to be aware of when it comes to marriage and things she needs to look out for when she is dealing with divorce or marriage.

Adams has been through a challenging marriage before, so her advices are warranted. She is very experienced in the matter. Allah (subhanahu wa ta ala) usually tries us so that we can learn something from the tests. The author has and is now sharing her experience with others so that they don’t make mistakes too. She is also a Marriage and Personal development Coach at the Siddiqah Institute. In her own words, she ‘is passionate about helping more Muslim women have fulfilling marriages.’

To go back to the review, The White Elephant is divided into three parts. Part one is about ‘Before you step in’. This part includes three chapters that will help you make decisions as you consider marriage; the research you have to do, the compatibility issues you need to inquire on, and the compromise and not discounting or lowering your standards part you need to consider.

Part two is titled ‘And They Lived Happily Ever After’ and it’s far from the Disney or Hollywood Rom-Com happy ending we usually think of. This part deals with what happens when the wedding celebrations are over and reality sets in. This is the part when we realize that marriage is not a walk in the park or a picnic. It requires maintenance and sabr.

The last part is called ‘When the chips are down’. This is where divorcees and people facing abuse in their marriages can find solace and tips if they need guidance.

Adams also makes it clear that sex and intimacy are an integral part of a marriage. They shouldn’t be discounted or overlooked as they play a huge role in the happiness of a couple. Something, I allude to clockwise.

To continue, the epilogue of the book is composed of real life stories, interview style. Out of the four stories, one stood out to me the most. It was the one of Umm Bilal, mother of two kids. I really loved reading her answers. Read to find out what she said!

In conclusion here, The White Elephant launches on September 23rd and you can attend the FREE online book launch if you hurry. Click here. Contact the author through the Siddiqah Institute website to know where you can purchase your copy if you can’t get your copy on Amazon here.

Rating 5/5

Jazakh’Allahu khair for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar (Author of BLOOM)

Originally posted at Hayati Magazine.

Reasons Not to Rush into Marriage

Bismillah,

Nowadays, the ummah has a high rate of divorce. This is partly due to the fact that people rush into marriage without understanding what marriage entails or seeing the big picture. Marriage is about love yes, but it’s also about dealing with another being crowding your personal space. Moreover, marriage is about commitment, picking your battles, agreeing to disagree, learning to forgive, and much, much more.

So what are some reasons not to rush into marriage?

1. Jealousy

So the person you have your eyes set on is very jealous of another potential candidate. Don’t get married because it will make him or her confident of the basis of your relationship. You’ll have trust issues if you do that. Just let things run their normal course and arrive at your decision to get married when the water is calm. Remember to doistikhara and pray to see the light if you get unfavorable results.

2. I don’t want to commit zina

Some people get married so that they can finally experience intimacy. I commend you if you wait for marriage to be intimate but don’t let that drive you to marriage. In doing so, you’ll be blindsided by other issues you should have paid attention to. What if you’re marrying a phony? You would have failed to catch that because all you were thinking about was halal romance at last. Just be careful. Adjust your priorities so that you can think clearly.

3. I’ll be a better spouse or person when I’m married

Many people think that marriage will change them overnight. If you take a step in being a good spouse, you’ll be a good one. It is not going to drop on your lap. It’s not magic. It’s what you put in that you get back! Be realistic!

4. Looks

‘Oh masha’Allah, X looks good! I need to marry X at all costs!’ Sadly, many people think that and then realize they’ve made a huge mistake. They later grasp that X is not a good Muslim. X is arrogant. X is a bad spouse. X is etc. Find an X that’s easy on the eyes and also beautiful on the inside. Nothing says you can’t have both!

This is not an all-inclusive list but it’s a pretty good golden rule. If you ignore all these signs and still get married, you’re definitely in for a roller-coaster and I hope you can handle it because not every couple is strong enough to see past the tornado. Be ready to put the effort in to see it succeed. Marriage is never all blissful love because it’s about hard work. And when something seems too easy, you should be skeptical and think, ‘What’s the catch?’

So before you head into it, make sure you don’t expect a picnic! May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  make our marriages successful, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally published at Hayatimagazine.com