A Couple Tips

After the honeymoon phase passes, it’s hard at times to stay the hopeless romantics in a marriage. Some couples discover there are asexual. Other become obsessed with intimacy and many don’t even bother with it. It has become a chore for them they can do without. And it’s very common to see husbands and wives become ‘roommates’ to one another compared to love-struck individuals who once couldn’t keep their hands off each other. So how do you keep the romance, spark and intimacy from dying? Check out our “couple’s tips.”

1. Stay More of a Mystery

Men are visual but they differ in what they want. Some men love women who expose themselves but quickly get disinterested in what they once found pleasing to their sight. Other men who are more the momma boys types are used to see a motherly figure in their places of comfort; homes. So, when they come home to a wife wearing skimpy clothes, it turns them off. They want something to be left to the imagination. Find out what type of man your spouse is and strike the right balance between being coquettish and an enticing mystery.

2. Set Boundaries

A healthy relationship needs boundaries to continue growing. For instance, my husband knows not to impede my career choices. I also know what makes him upset or could destroy our love for one another or marriage. So, we stay clear of these topics for the sake of half of our deen. We practice self-control and try not to change each other. We work on improving our individual persons instead.

3. Self-Care

Get in the habit to look good for yourself and not only for the husband. Your energy and light will shine through you if you pamper yourself for your own sake. This will definitely keep your spouse interested in you and you will have the upper hand in your romantic games. You’re the gatekeeper after all. You can choose to say, ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’

Original article.

'6 Broken Hearts: The Diary of a Broken Girl' by Nabeela Kapery Noorani

6 Broken Hearts is a multi-generational romance drama. It's befitting to say that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree or history usually repeats itself and from experience parents tend to have a short memory. As I read this intriguing novel, I kept asking myself what's the catch for this seemingly perfect plot? And I got my answers and I shed some tears mainly because I saw myself a little in the struggles of Juwayriya aka Jules Rouby, her family, and the tough decisions she had to make for the summary goes as this:

"Jules Rouby, as she is affectionately known; has her whole world turned upside down when secrets from her past threaten to affect her future. As she grows into a woman and finds love, her past forces her to choose between a husband and a father. This epic tale is riddled with immense heartache, love, death and the unconditional love of maternal bonds."

Furthermore, I believe anybody that has a person like Nawwaal in their lives is blessed. I know people like her and they come rare like one in a million. 6 Broken Hearts is also a testament that what we do to our parents if often done to us by our children and unless one party decides to forgive, forget, and leave it to Allah, the painful cycle continues. Some plots twists took me down rough, bitter, and happy tidbits of memory lane. I liked the story even though it made me sad a bit.

You can get the a free copy on Author Nabeela Kapery Noorani's blog or on Amazon to support her. Don't forget to leave a review for the author's generosity!

My rating: 4/5

Thank you for reading,

Papatya*

Reasons to Get Hitched

Bismillah,

There are many reasons not to rush into marriage and I’ll touch on that on another post. But in the meantime, here are some reasons why you should get hitched.

1. Anger champion

“In the second century AH, there was a righteous man called Shu`ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, “I am a bad-tempered man.” She replied, tactfully and cleverly, “The one who makes you lose your temper is worse than you.” He realized that there stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise, and mature. He immediately said to her, “You will be my wife.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.82).

The lesson you should get from this is that if you can handle the heat, go ahead and get in the ‘kitchen’ and prove your mate that you’re an anger management champion. By kitchen, I mean marriage* wink*. That said, I’m not telling you to stick with a man that beats you. Domestic violence is not to be tolerated.

2. Ego Fender

Often times, I have heart to heart discussions with non-Muslim friends who are die-hard feminists. The main thing I noticed with them across the board is that they have a huge ego, no offense. They despise the idea of submitting and humbling yourself to Allah. They equally hate the fact that a Muslim woman has to ask for permission from her spouse to do certain things. For us it comes down to humbling ourselves and seeing the big picture,Jannah. That doesn’t make us weak, it makes us good servants, smart and patient. If you can swallow your pride in many hard situations you face in life, you’re an ego fender and you should get hitched. Besides, pride is what got shaytan kicked out of heavens.

3. Hopeless Romantic

So you fantasize on blissful love as a single. You should get married before zina temps you. That said, don’t think marriage is only about that. Marriage can also be like the fights you have with your college roommates because they don’t clean or didn’t pay a certain bill. You get the gist.

4. Allah mindful

Marriage is half of your deen and you heard it tons of times. For his sake and love, you should get married.

Above all, marriage is fun and rewarding if you put the time and effort in. Don’t go in thinking it’s going to be a walk in the park. May Allah help you find a worthy mate and bless your union, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally posted at Hayatimagazine.com

Reasons Not to Rush into Marriage

Bismillah,

Nowadays, the ummah has a high rate of divorce. This is partly due to the fact that people rush into marriage without understanding what marriage entails or seeing the big picture. Marriage is about love yes, but it’s also about dealing with another being crowding your personal space. Moreover, marriage is about commitment, picking your battles, agreeing to disagree, learning to forgive, and much, much more.

So what are some reasons not to rush into marriage?

1. Jealousy

So the person you have your eyes set on is very jealous of another potential candidate. Don’t get married because it will make him or her confident of the basis of your relationship. You’ll have trust issues if you do that. Just let things run their normal course and arrive at your decision to get married when the water is calm. Remember to doistikhara and pray to see the light if you get unfavorable results.

2. I don’t want to commit zina

Some people get married so that they can finally experience intimacy. I commend you if you wait for marriage to be intimate but don’t let that drive you to marriage. In doing so, you’ll be blindsided by other issues you should have paid attention to. What if you’re marrying a phony? You would have failed to catch that because all you were thinking about was halal romance at last. Just be careful. Adjust your priorities so that you can think clearly.

3. I’ll be a better spouse or person when I’m married

Many people think that marriage will change them overnight. If you take a step in being a good spouse, you’ll be a good one. It is not going to drop on your lap. It’s not magic. It’s what you put in that you get back! Be realistic!

4. Looks

‘Oh masha’Allah, X looks good! I need to marry X at all costs!’ Sadly, many people think that and then realize they’ve made a huge mistake. They later grasp that X is not a good Muslim. X is arrogant. X is a bad spouse. X is etc. Find an X that’s easy on the eyes and also beautiful on the inside. Nothing says you can’t have both!

This is not an all-inclusive list but it’s a pretty good golden rule. If you ignore all these signs and still get married, you’re definitely in for a roller-coaster and I hope you can handle it because not every couple is strong enough to see past the tornado. Be ready to put the effort in to see it succeed. Marriage is never all blissful love because it’s about hard work. And when something seems too easy, you should be skeptical and think, ‘What’s the catch?’

So before you head into it, make sure you don’t expect a picnic! May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  make our marriages successful, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally published at Hayatimagazine.com

Are You Realistic About What A Real Relationship Is About?

Bismillah.

Are you realistic about what a real relationship is about? You probably don’t know the answer so let me help you.

A relationship isn’t supposed to be a nice breeze but why do many people think so? Nothing in life is supposed to be a walk in a park. And Allah made life this way so that we can achieve great things and see the rewards throughout our accomplishments and trials. And everybody needs to understand that.

There is also a reason why many conservative Muslims don’t like to watch TV, listen to Music, and/or pay close attention to the media. You know why? Because it gives you unrealistic hopes. You were probably thinking because they’re the haram police. It could why but it’s not the only reason.

Now, if the following apply to you then you have a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a hopeless romantic but I try to keep my feet on the ground even though I enjoy some of the following in my down time to escape reality. Key words here ‘escape reality’ in case you missed it *wink*. So here we go :

• Your idea of a perfect union is based on popular romantic movie.

Wrong! There is a reason it’s a movie; it’s fiction. It’s not real! Don’t get your hopes up when you watch them hoping your man or your woman will do the same with the puppy love, the flowers, the travels, the fancy proposals, the loving texts, the etc. and etc. that make such movies romantic in our eyes. We all need to understand that every relationship is different and that what movies make seem as the standard is not the norm.

Your spouse or fiance can love you but they don’t have to be all mushy or money about it. Romance is much more than the media hype. It’s accepting and working with the good and the bad your spouses make you live on the daily basis. Not the snapshots of happily ever after. I have actually wanted to write a book titled What Happens After Happily Ever After for a long time now but I realized that I already have with most of my romance books because the characters live real life scenarios in a marriage setting. Some have a penchant for popular culture and that’s why they are in my fantasy world.

• You cry when you hear love songs and you think they were written just for you. Worse, you expect your partner to sing and dedicate one to you.

Music is not good for us because it makes us vulnerable and an easy target for emotions (sad, happy, in-between, you name it.) And what unseen creatures love to target our emotions? The djinns. That’s right, djinns love music and that’s another reason why I try to stay away from music these days. It’s not the fear of hot lead pouring in my ears in the next life BUT the fear of being worn by these evil things that makes me contemplate that tainted love from far. May Allah helps us all, amiin.

Movies have soundtracks and after it’s over, don’t let that invisible soundtrack follow you around. Be realistic, life is much more noisier than that. Come back on earth and carry on with your normal daily activities.

• You watch celebrity couples get married, you watch reality shows about them, and any other power couple out there and you wish to be them.

You don’t know what these people do or how they really behave behind closed doors. I can guarantee that they are the source of so much evil eye (intentional and unintentional) and that’s the reason there are always tabloids about them or interesting rumors. Don’t envy the smokescreens. Pray for a good relationship with yourself, your Creator, your family, your spouse, keep to yourself and don’t advertise your relationship on social media because Satan loves to break up the man from the woman. Open your eyes, be realistic, and lower your expectations. Really lower your expectations because simple is always rewarding and fulfilling.  I know because I live by that code alhamdullilah. Remember, if something is too good to be true, it probably is!

Wassalam,

Papatia

Is He Into You?

Bismillah,

I read this article and I thought, well there is a need to tell non-Muslims how it works for us Muslims. Or at least from my Muslimah experience.

If you land a good to great Muslim man, you’re set when it comes to be the ‘apple of his eyes.’ Now, because good to great Muslim brothers ‘be difficult’ at times, don’t take their flaws as a sign of a failed relationship. Nothing in this life is supposed to be easy. With hardship comes ease, so always expect bad times but don’t be pessimistic. There is a fine line between the two. Besides if you face no challenges in your life, how can you appreciate your success and how far you’ve come?

So how do you know that your hermit, poker face, few saying words Muslim man is into you? He might be a few more other words that I can’t think of right now but we will stick with what we have for now.

1.He’s capable of grand gestures when you least expect it. For instance, he’ll vacuum, cook, and clean the house for you without expecting sex later on.

2.He will recount your words about something you told him ages ago while he acted non-interested. What? He was actually listening? would be your reaction when he repeats what you said word for word.

3.You don’t need to meet all his male friends to know he loves you especially if he pays attention to mahram boundaries. He rather not know your girlfriends and sisters very well. He avoids them like the plague and they might peg him as a jerk. Good for you because that will keep them girls for trying anything funny toward him. Meeting his mom, dad, his sisters, female cousins, and aunts are enough for you to know that you’re a keeper. He fears Allah.

4. He text messages you often. He also emails you cute cards out of the blue or emails you a nice card when you had a fight. He loves to take the blame even if he’s not at fault.

5.He’s corny and gets/knows obscure pop culture references to make you laugh when you least expect it. Because of his shy and quiet character, you never pegged him for a cliché cute dork.

6.Whenever you voice a need, he strives to offer what he has to you. ‘You can have my phone, my car, my computer, etc’ he would say because yours broke down or got lost. This one is tricky too. He also doesn’t want to spend money by offering his sometimes ;)! Haha, classic ‘sunnah frugal’ Muslim man. I say stingy!  But it’s cute when they don’t ignore your needs. It means a lot. They care!

7.He remembers to do something he promised you he would do when the two of you are not on speaking terms. For instance, he finally fixed the kitchen cabinet you asked to fix eons ago. That’s love right there. Even if he’s mad at you, he strives to do right by you.

8.He saves the last bite of a meal or the last few ounces of succulent drink for you. Not because he belittles you but because he wants you to have that baraqah. He could be selfish and keep it for himself. #cleanyourplate #don’twaste #notetomyselffirst.

9. When you’re sick, he’s sad and attends to your needs no matter what they are. He really looks after you without whining. He prays for you as well.

10.When he’s in love with you, he follows the sunnah of the bedroom. You’ll ‘see beautiful stars’ before him or be in sync with him to ‘see the stars.’ He’ll care for your needs there first.

11. He buys you things you need that you didn’t ask for such as a simple cell phone case, an earpiece, etc. He’s thoughtful. He also brings you little presents from work such as candy, a cookie, a muffin, a single flower, etc. Nothing extravagant but something that shows his heart was in a right place and you’re at the center of it.

12. He tells you that you’re awesome and he brags to his family and your family about you without attracting evil eye on the pair of you.

13. He’s awkwardly poetic and he keeps everything meaningful you give him or pertaining to the love you share in organized files digitally. That way he can go find them easily to reminisce. He still messes with paper and that’s the last resort.

14. He loves to hug you and enjoy the moment. Saying I love you is inferred in that moment you share.

You’re the center of their worlds if you see all that! Actions mean so much more than words. Remember that ukhtys.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading and share with us how you know he’s into you besides the fact that he married you for the deen.

Jzk,

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

How to Keep the Spark Alive in Our Daily Marriage Routine

Wake up, pray, shower, eat, go to work, come back from work, shower, pray, eat, watch TV and go back to bed. These are the daily routines of many families plus or minus a few other activities. We get so lost in routines that keeping the romance alive between spouses is the last thing on our minds. We complain about not having time for each other when we actually don’t make time for one another.

Life will always get in the way so here are a few tips to insert romance at each corner of these activities you already do. A few moments of giving more attention will only take a few seconds that you will be grateful for later.

When you wake up in the morning, after you made dua to say thank you to your Creator, turn to your spouses and smile at them. A simple “Did you dream about me?” can put a smile on their faces and warm their heart with love and joy.

If you miss the opportunity to wake up with your loved one at your side as s/he might be an earlier riser, you can make it up with taking a shower. Showering with one’s spouse can bring a couple together. However, it’s debatable subject in the ummah. While there arehadith that indicate our beloved Prophet (S) used to take showers with Aisha (RA), manysunni madhahib say that it’s only a private affair. Do your research and do what’s works for you to keep the flicker alive.

After the shower, if you have time to eat, show your appreciation to your spouse for the food by saying thank you and making dua for the spouse that prepared the meal.

When it’s time to go to work, and one of the spouses stays home, the leaving party should leave the family in the hands of Allah. The leaving party should kiss and hug the staying party. The staying party should wish farewell and make dua for the leaving party. If you both work, make dua for each other on your way out, kiss and say goodbye. These little acts of kindness make your family ties strong and your romance ties even stronger.

During the day, think of things that you can make or get for your spouse when you reunite with them. Always keeping your couple and family in the back of your head elevates the prestige of love you all share. The smiles your spouse will have when they come back from work to a nice smelling house filled with tasty and favorite aromas will show in the way they greet you. If you’re the spouse that comes home to a well-kept house daily, try not to come home empty handed. Surprise your mate with romantic gifts. It shows your appreciation. After a long day of doing everything to please you for HIS sake, a nice gesture is encouraging and appreciated. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be a single flower, a chocolate, a dessert, a note, a poem, etc., anything that shows your heart is in a good place. Now, don’t come home with a vacuum and tell your spouse you thought of them. Unless your spouse told you, I need a new vacuum, this move IS NOT romantic. Trust me, it rather says that you were thinking of more cleaning your spouse needs to get busy doing. The bottom line is don’t buy gifts for the house and mistake them for gifts s/he will find romantic. To conclude here, welcome each other with passion and a lot of heart. Life gets busy and taking a second to a minute to celebrate your love on a recurring basis will keep the romance alive and stronger with each step you take in that direction.

It’s time to talk about worship. You can pray together or pray separately (although praying together reaps more reward!). If you choose to pray separately, remember to make dua for your relationship to prosper and for your love for each other to be stronger. Ask HIM to put his barakah in your relationship. You don’t need cupid’s arrow when you constantly ask Allah to mend what’s broken in your relationship and continue to bless you with great love.

Next, as you eat and wind down, don’t be self-centered or selfish. Put your phones down, turn off the TV and ask about each other’s day. Discuss the news, inform each other of what you learned or heard about. Keep the talk alive between yourselves. It’s the foundation for solving problems when they present themselves.

Now, it’s time to go back to sleep. Before sleeping, take another moment to connect. Talk about anything, wish each other good night, make dua for each other, and tell each other corny and cheesy phrases such as “See you in the dream world.” This will lighten the mood and will hopefully put a smile on your faces because cliché is fun. Come up with your own cute phrases. Also try to sleep facing each other and not giving your back to each other. It increases the trust you have for each other. If you happen to have conjugal relations, make sure you satisfy each other. Don’t just use the other. Doing so kills the romance because one will feel used and not desired. You spouse isn’t not an object to satisfy your lust but there to complete you. “Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (Quran 2:187)

Above all, stay connected with your spouses with almost (if not) all routines you perform daily by keeping your spouses in your mind at each corner of your life. I hope these tips help and I pray that the fire of love always burns strong in your relationships, ameen!

Originally published in HauteHijab.com and Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016