Is He Into You?

March 13, 2016 by Papatia Feauxzar in Marriage, Romance

Bismillah,

I read this article and I thought, well there is a need to tell non-Muslims how it works for us Muslims. Or at least from my Muslimah experience.

If you land a good to great Muslim man, you’re set when it comes to be the ‘apple of his eyes.’ Now, because good to great Muslim brothers ‘be difficult’ at times, don’t take their flaws as a sign of a failed relationship. Nothing in this life is supposed to be easy. With hardship comes ease, so always expect bad times but don’t be pessimistic. There is a fine line between the two. Besides if you face no challenges in your life, how can you appreciate your success and how far you’ve come?

So how do you know that your hermit, poker face, few saying words Muslim man is into you? He might be a few more other words that I can’t think of right now but we will stick with what we have for now.

1.He’s capable of grand gestures when you least expect it. For instance, he’ll vacuum, cook, and clean the house for you without expecting sex later on.

2.He will recount your words about something you told him ages ago while he acted non-interested. What? He was actually listening? would be your reaction when he repeats what you said word for word.

3.You don’t need to meet all his male friends to know he loves you especially if he pays attention to mahram boundaries. He rather not know your girlfriends and sisters very well. He avoids them like the plague and they might peg him as a jerk. Good for you because that will keep them girls for trying anything funny toward him. Meeting his mom, dad, his sisters, female cousins, and aunts are enough for you to know that you’re a keeper. He fears Allah.

4. He text messages you often. He also emails you cute cards out of the blue or emails you a nice card when you had a fight. He loves to take the blame even if he’s not at fault.

5.He’s corny and gets/knows obscure pop culture references to make you laugh when you least expect it. Because of his shy and quiet character, you never pegged him for a cliché cute dork.

6.Whenever you voice a need, he strives to offer what he has to you. ‘You can have my phone, my car, my computer, etc’ he would say because yours broke down or got lost. This one is tricky too. He also doesn’t want to spend money by offering his sometimes ;)! Haha, classic ‘sunnah frugal’ Muslim man. I say stingy! But it’s cute when they don’t ignore your needs. It means a lot. They care!

7.He remembers to do something he promised you he would do when the two of you are not on speaking terms. For instance, he finally fixed the kitchen cabinet you asked to fix eons ago. That’s love right there. Even if he’s mad at you, he strives to do right by you.

8.He saves the last bite of a meal or the last few ounces of succulent drink for you. Not because he belittles you but because he wants you to have that baraqah. He could be selfish and keep it for himself. #cleanyourplate #don’twaste #notetomyselffirst.

9. When you’re sick, he’s sad and attends to your needs no matter what they are. He really looks after you without whining. He prays for you as well.

10.When he’s in love with you, he follows the sunnah of the bedroom. You’ll ‘see beautiful stars’ before him or be in sync with him to ‘see the stars.’ He’ll care for your needs there first.

11. He buys you things you need that you didn’t ask for such as a simple cell phone case, an earpiece, etc. He’s thoughtful. He also brings you little presents from work such as candy, a cookie, a muffin, a single flower, etc. Nothing extravagant but something that shows his heart was in a right place and you’re at the center of it.

12. He tells you that you’re awesome and he brags to his family and your family about you without attracting evil eye on the pair of you.

13. He’s awkwardly poetic and he keeps everything meaningful you give him or pertaining to the love you share in organized files digitally. That way he can go find them easily to reminisce. He still messes with paper and that’s the last resort.

14. He loves to hug you and enjoy the moment. Saying I love you is inferred in that moment you share.

You’re the center of their worlds if you see all that! Actions mean so much more than words. Remember that ukhtys.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading and share with us how you know he’s into you besides the fact that he married you for the deen.

Jzk,

Unreasonable Spouse? Try These Tips!

March 13, 2016 by Papatia Feauxzar

Bismillah. Before we get into the tips, I need to define an unreasonable spouse. An unreasonable spouse is a spouse that makes everything difficult just because they get a kick out of it and because they can say NO or enjoy saying NO to you. For instance, you want to take advantage of a free offer and they tell you no. When you inquire why? They have no good reasons to support the disapproval but everything to keep a tight leash on you or even control and micro-manage you.
They go as far as requiring obedience from you and complete compliance. A reasonable spouse does not ask for obedience because it’s earned in this case. A slave obeys a master. For instance, believers obey their Lord’s commands without questioning them. We owe that much to our Creator for all the bounties and blessings He bestows upon us alhamdullilah.

Many unreasonable spouses think it’s their right to demand obedience. You cannot demand it; you have to earn it. If a husband treats his spouse well, she will obey him out of love and not out of compliance.
To continue, it’s so common for unreasonable spouses to be one-sided with their point of views. They demand the world and give nothing in return. A marriage is not a dictatorship, it’s a democracy. It’s also teamwork.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” Quran 30 Verse 21.
So what do you do when you’re faced with an unreasonable spouse or even a tyrant for that matter? Well, try these tips:

Invoke the name of Allah often

Allah always comes faster to His servants that constantly say His name out of love and concern.

“And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.” Quran 2 Verse 186.

Seek help from crossed trained professionals and the community if it gets verbally (dangerously) or physically abusive

I say crossed trained professionals because if the domestic abuse help is biased and think Islam is an oppressive religion, you’re at a loss. You need well rounded folks to help you through recovery. Now, about the community. I pray and hope that your community is run by open-minded leaders that have a zero tolerance policy toward abuse and not those who just give a slap on a wrist and send the couple back home to fix their issues that can’t be resolved if no one intervenes.

Ask yourself, what’s the lesson Allah wants me to learn from this?

Perhaps Allah wants you to learn humility. Or maybe, Allah wants you to be closer to him and increase your faith. Indeed, with hardship comes ease. It could also be that Allah wants you to be an advocate for that challenging cause in the future and help other in need insha’Allah.

Strive to be creative and to find loopholes in your spouse’s judgements that can allow you to get to your reasonable demands.

If your spouse told you that you can’t help your family with the family money which is nonsense. He never said, you can’t use your own money to be charitable. Think and act carefully! Plan your moves.
‘The Prophet (sallallahu aleihi was salam) stated this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my child, unless I take from him without his knowledge.” He told her, “Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.90)’
A wife is not a spouse’s dog because a dog obeys its master. She respects her spouse because spouses are equal.
“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them.” Quran 2:187
Now sisters, ‘A woman came to ask the Prophet about some matter, and when he had dealt with it, he asked her, “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He asked her, “How are you with him?” She said, “I never fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me.” He said, “Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell.” [13] * reported by Al Nisai and Tirmidhi.’
So in conclusion, I advise you to be patient even when you feel your dignity being tramped all over. You must never loose sight of the prize at risk here; Jannah. I’m not the most patient person but I’m definitely determined to see my dreams through. Allahu alim and may He make our marriages easy, ameen.

Originally published in and Hayatimagazine.com

How to Keep the Spark Alive in Our Daily Marriage Routine

March 13, 2016 by Papatia Feauxzar in Romance

Wake up, pray, shower, eat, go to work, come back from work, shower, pray, eat, watch TV and go back to bed. These are the daily routines of many families plus or minus a few other activities. We get so lost in routines that keeping the romance alive between spouses is the last thing on our minds. We complain about not having time for each other when we actually don’t make time for one another.

Life will always get in the way so here are a few tips to insert romance at each corner of these activities you already do. A few moments of giving more attention will only take a few seconds that you will be grateful for later.

When you wake up in the morning, after you made dua to say thank you to your Creator, turn to your spouses and smile at them. A simple “Did you dream about me?” can put a smile on their faces and warm their heart with love and joy.

If you miss the opportunity to wake up with your loved one at your side as s/he might be an earlier riser, you can make it up with taking a shower. Showering with one’s spouse can bring a couple together. However, it’s debatable subject in the ummah. While there arehadith that indicate our beloved Prophet (S) used to take showers with Aisha (RA), manysunni madhahib say that it’s only a private affair. Do your research and do what’s works for you to keep the flicker alive.

After the shower, if you have time to eat, show your appreciation to your spouse for the food by saying thank you and making dua for the spouse that prepared the meal.

When it’s time to go to work, and one of the spouses stays home, the leaving party should leave the family in the hands of Allah. The leaving party should kiss and hug the staying party. The staying party should wish farewell and make dua for the leaving party. If you both work, make dua for each other on your way out, kiss and say goodbye. These little acts of kindness make your family ties strong and your romance ties even stronger.

During the day, think of things that you can make or get for your spouse when you reunite with them. Always keeping your couple and family in the back of your head elevates the prestige of love you all share. The smiles your spouse will have when they come back from work to a nice smelling house filled with tasty and favorite aromas will show in the way they greet you. If you’re the spouse that comes home to a well-kept house daily, try not to come home empty handed. Surprise your mate with romantic gifts. It shows your appreciation. After a long day of doing everything to please you for HIS sake, a nice gesture is encouraging and appreciated. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be a single flower, a chocolate, a dessert, a note, a poem, etc., anything that shows your heart is in a good place. Now, don’t come home with a vacuum and tell your spouse you thought of them. Unless your spouse told you, I need a new vacuum, this move IS NOT romantic. Trust me, it rather says that you were thinking of more cleaning your spouse needs to get busy doing. The bottom line is don’t buy gifts for the house and mistake them for gifts s/he will find romantic. To conclude here, welcome each other with passion and a lot of heart. Life gets busy and taking a second to a minute to celebrate your love on a recurring basis will keep the romance alive and stronger with each step you take in that direction.

It’s time to talk about worship. You can pray together or pray separately (although praying together reaps more reward!). If you choose to pray separately, remember to make dua for your relationship to prosper and for your love for each other to be stronger. Ask HIM to put his barakah in your relationship. You don’t need cupid’s arrow when you constantly ask Allah to mend what’s broken in your relationship and continue to bless you with great love.

Next, as you eat and wind down, don’t be self-centered or selfish. Put your phones down, turn off the TV and ask about each other’s day. Discuss the news, inform each other of what you learned or heard about. Keep the talk alive between yourselves. It’s the foundation for solving problems when they present themselves.

Now, it’s time to go back to sleep. Before sleeping, take another moment to connect. Talk about anything, wish each other good night, make dua for each other, and tell each other corny and cheesy phrases such as “See you in the dream world.” This will lighten the mood and will hopefully put a smile on your faces because cliché is fun. Come up with your own cute phrases. Also try to sleep facing each other and not giving your back to each other. It increases the trust you have for each other. If you happen to have conjugal relations, make sure you satisfy each other. Don’t just use the other. Doing so kills the romance because one will feel used and not desired. You spouse isn’t not an object to satisfy your lust but there to complete you. “Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (Quran 2:187)

Above all, stay connected with your spouses with almost (if not) all routines you perform daily by keeping your spouses in your mind at each corner of your life. I hope these tips help and I pray that the fire of love always burns strong in your relationships, ameen!

Originally published in HauteHijab.com and Hayatimagazine.com