The White Elephant – A Review

The White Elephant is a must read for anyone contemplating the idea of marriage or anyone going through a divorce. As the Love and Relationship Editor for Hayati Magazine, I try to counsel married and non-married folks on the institution of marriage. These tips usually stem from personal experience and/or the realities on the ground I have witnessed. So after reading The White Elephant, I can say that the author Aishah Adams did a great job at compiling things a Muslimah seeking marriage needs to be aware of when it comes to marriage and things she needs to look out for when she is dealing with divorce or marriage.

Adams has been through a challenging marriage before, so her advices are warranted. She is very experienced in the matter. Allah (subhanahu wa ta ala) usually tries us so that we can learn something from the tests. The author has and is now sharing her experience with others so that they don’t make mistakes too. She is also a Marriage and Personal development Coach at the Siddiqah Institute. In her own words, she ‘is passionate about helping more Muslim women have fulfilling marriages.’

To go back to the review, The White Elephant is divided into three parts. Part one is about ‘Before you step in’. This part includes three chapters that will help you make decisions as you consider marriage; the research you have to do, the compatibility issues you need to inquire on, and the compromise and not discounting or lowering your standards part you need to consider.

Part two is titled ‘And They Lived Happily Ever After’ and it’s far from the Disney or Hollywood Rom-Com happy ending we usually think of. This part deals with what happens when the wedding celebrations are over and reality sets in. This is the part when we realize that marriage is not a walk in the park or a picnic. It requires maintenance and sabr.

The last part is called ‘When the chips are down’. This is where divorcees and people facing abuse in their marriages can find solace and tips if they need guidance.

Adams also makes it clear that sex and intimacy are an integral part of a marriage. They shouldn’t be discounted or overlooked as they play a huge role in the happiness of a couple. Something, I allude to clockwise.

To continue, the epilogue of the book is composed of real life stories, interview style. Out of the four stories, one stood out to me the most. It was the one of Umm Bilal, mother of two kids. I really loved reading her answers. Read to find out what she said!

In conclusion here, The White Elephant launches on September 23rd and you can attend the FREE online book launch if you hurry. Click here. Contact the author through the Siddiqah Institute website to know where you can purchase your copy if you can’t get your copy on Amazon here.

Rating 5/5

Jazakh’Allahu khair for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar (Author of BLOOM)

Originally posted at Hayati Magazine.

Low Maintenance Sisters-What He Should Know Before Anchoring

Bismillah,

A low maintenance sister is a sister who appreciates the simple joys of life. She’s drama free and the majority of the time because opposites attract, a high-maintenance brother (let’s say drama-queen fella) anchors his boat to her because she’s a beacon of some sort he couldn’t pass.

So if you’re a low maintenance sister like many out there (I might be one too hehe  ) this is some of the things he needs to know. You are:

1. A Potato couch

He has to know that you enjoy nights in, sprawled over the couch watching something entertaining on TV. With him by your side enjoying a romantic movie, it would be bliss. Nights out are things you want to do every now and then to change the atmosphere. Not a-seven-day a week affair. Dude, our life would be like living in a hotel. You need to make memories in your new home. Plus, the bachelor life is over after marriage.

2. An attention seeker

You’re only an attention seeker for him. For other not halal guys and men for you, you put your unsocial face up pretty quick! He should appreciate your romantic efforts. You don’t have to play that game and make him feel special in your eyes.

3. Impatient,Timely, and Fast

He needs to know that you’re the type of girl that gets in the store to get a bucket of ice cream, for instance, and leaves the store with exactly a bucket of ice cream. Except on certain occasions. He shouldn’t be the one indecisive in the relationship. It should have been you and you ain’t. So no excuse! lol!

You’re timely and arrived at  rendez-vous  before the time. So he shouldn’t count on your ‘forecasted’ tardiness to pick the best ‘husband material thawb’ from his closet! He needs to know that punctuality is a very attractive trait for ya  …

To close here, all you need is a little over five minutes to throw an abaya and scarf on and you’re ready to roll. Akhi, you won’t need to huff and puff while I get ready. I’ll be out pronto!

4. Not the common trophy wife

You know how to be a shinny dime and you ‘is’ the muse, the chef, the maid, the janitor, the seamstress, etc. of the house. But he shouldn’t except to see you wear your wedding ‘cinderella’ clothes seven days a week! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Simply chic is your best ensemble and fits you (some people would say for better and for worse right?). Dude, you should be grateful for that! You don’t want us starting to ask for the moon and stuff .

5. A penny pincher, easy to please, but you frown on slackers

He needs to know that you won’t care to use off brand toiletries 364 days a year, but there is this one day where you will care for a particular brand because it’s better and of quality or just for sake of pampering. He should just get it and not ask questions.

And oh, just because you’re laid back doesn’t mean he can’t surprise you or step up his game by showing you some genuine love once in a blue moon. Tell him, ‘just don’t get too comfortable, and I promise I won’t let go of myself.’ Haha!

May Allah help you find decent spouses ya single and searching uktys! Ameen! 

Jazak'Allah khair for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar

Originally published at Hayati Magazine and my blog .

P.S Pansies are easy to grow and plant.

Riding the Samoosa Express: Personal Narratives of Marriage and Beyond

Riding the Samoosa Express is a metaphor to refer to the process of courtship, love, marriage and beyond. It’s a well written tale sampling the diversity and the different faces the Indian Muslim women contributors experienced.

These personal narratives range from very funny tales like Farhana Ismail’s father’sizzat (honor) demands and Somayya Hansrod’s mishaps in the kitchen to soul searching and self actualization stories such as the ones of Yasmin Denat and many other anonymous and non-anonymous contributors.

A very thought provocative compilation,Riding the Samoosa Express tell us that what may be true for one Muslim woman is not necessarily true or the norm for another Muslim woman. Each Muslim woman has a different life and a different culture. So some of these stories mirror the lives of other Muslim women around the globe while many don’t.

Many of the stories spoke to me. For instance, I felt the struggles of Zaheera Jina when she wished to be ‘Only Oomi’ to her son while battling a PhD career in Mathematics. Another story that spoke to me is the one of Nabeela Patel because of her open mind and religious tolerance of other faiths. I enjoyed her critical mind and the way she ended her piece:
“First, I need to blossom into a flower from a bud and settle into my own life. In this big, bad world I don’t know where I’ll end up, or who I will be, but I need to find that out first. I need to fathom the complex me, settle into my skin and breathe…”

She used the right words to seal the deal with me.
In conclusion, Riding the Samoosa Express is a must and a good read!

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com .

Reasons to Get Hitched

Bismillah,

There are many reasons not to rush into marriage and I’ll touch on that on another post. But in the meantime, here are some reasons why you should get hitched.

1. Anger champion

“In the second century AH, there was a righteous man called Shu`ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, “I am a bad-tempered man.” She replied, tactfully and cleverly, “The one who makes you lose your temper is worse than you.” He realized that there stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise, and mature. He immediately said to her, “You will be my wife.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.82).

The lesson you should get from this is that if you can handle the heat, go ahead and get in the ‘kitchen’ and prove your mate that you’re an anger management champion. By kitchen, I mean marriage* wink*. That said, I’m not telling you to stick with a man that beats you. Domestic violence is not to be tolerated.

2. Ego Fender

Often times, I have heart to heart discussions with non-Muslim friends who are die-hard feminists. The main thing I noticed with them across the board is that they have a huge ego, no offense. They despise the idea of submitting and humbling yourself to Allah. They equally hate the fact that a Muslim woman has to ask for permission from her spouse to do certain things. For us it comes down to humbling ourselves and seeing the big picture,Jannah. That doesn’t make us weak, it makes us good servants, smart and patient. If you can swallow your pride in many hard situations you face in life, you’re an ego fender and you should get hitched. Besides, pride is what got shaytan kicked out of heavens.

3. Hopeless Romantic

So you fantasize on blissful love as a single. You should get married before zina temps you. That said, don’t think marriage is only about that. Marriage can also be like the fights you have with your college roommates because they don’t clean or didn’t pay a certain bill. You get the gist.

4. Allah mindful

Marriage is half of your deen and you heard it tons of times. For his sake and love, you should get married.

Above all, marriage is fun and rewarding if you put the time and effort in. Don’t go in thinking it’s going to be a walk in the park. May Allah help you find a worthy mate and bless your union, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally posted at Hayatimagazine.com

Reasons Not to Rush into Marriage

Bismillah,

Nowadays, the ummah has a high rate of divorce. This is partly due to the fact that people rush into marriage without understanding what marriage entails or seeing the big picture. Marriage is about love yes, but it’s also about dealing with another being crowding your personal space. Moreover, marriage is about commitment, picking your battles, agreeing to disagree, learning to forgive, and much, much more.

So what are some reasons not to rush into marriage?

1. Jealousy

So the person you have your eyes set on is very jealous of another potential candidate. Don’t get married because it will make him or her confident of the basis of your relationship. You’ll have trust issues if you do that. Just let things run their normal course and arrive at your decision to get married when the water is calm. Remember to doistikhara and pray to see the light if you get unfavorable results.

2. I don’t want to commit zina

Some people get married so that they can finally experience intimacy. I commend you if you wait for marriage to be intimate but don’t let that drive you to marriage. In doing so, you’ll be blindsided by other issues you should have paid attention to. What if you’re marrying a phony? You would have failed to catch that because all you were thinking about was halal romance at last. Just be careful. Adjust your priorities so that you can think clearly.

3. I’ll be a better spouse or person when I’m married

Many people think that marriage will change them overnight. If you take a step in being a good spouse, you’ll be a good one. It is not going to drop on your lap. It’s not magic. It’s what you put in that you get back! Be realistic!

4. Looks

‘Oh masha’Allah, X looks good! I need to marry X at all costs!’ Sadly, many people think that and then realize they’ve made a huge mistake. They later grasp that X is not a good Muslim. X is arrogant. X is a bad spouse. X is etc. Find an X that’s easy on the eyes and also beautiful on the inside. Nothing says you can’t have both!

This is not an all-inclusive list but it’s a pretty good golden rule. If you ignore all these signs and still get married, you’re definitely in for a roller-coaster and I hope you can handle it because not every couple is strong enough to see past the tornado. Be ready to put the effort in to see it succeed. Marriage is never all blissful love because it’s about hard work. And when something seems too easy, you should be skeptical and think, ‘What’s the catch?’

So before you head into it, make sure you don’t expect a picnic! May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  make our marriages successful, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally published at Hayatimagazine.com

Keeping Secrets

Should we tell everything to our halves? It depends. Many of us keep secrets from our spouses. These secrets can take many shapes. I will only touch up on withholding information.

In our marriages, we withhold a lot of important information because the adage clearly states, “My freedom ends where yours begins.” Two words summarize the quote; group work.
If you didn’t get it, we have to factor in our spouses when taking important decisions because we’re a unit. However, it’s not that simple.
It’s not that simple to disclose EVERYTHING because we want to avoid an argument, a conflict, to be considerate, or we just hope that with time the other spouse will see things under our lens. Our marriages aren’t perfect but strive to be better. Nothing is perfect by the way just don’t underestimate the power of dua.
For striving to get a better relationship with our spouses, many of us live in glasshouses. Glasshouses because we have lived many challenging scenarios that we have resolved or currently resolving. Some of which shook the foundation of our relationships and made them vulnerable.
At the same time, we’re advising you on what to do or not to do based on our experiences. If we give you great advice, it’s most likely because we either lived the scenarios, witnessed it, and learned from our mistakes. I never preach to the choir because I’m conscious enough to know the implications in the afterlife. To support this statement, think of chefs. They never compile a recipe book without trying and making all recipes. They therefore know what worked and what didn’t work. Though, you may find yourself tweaking their recipes and adding your own ‘grain of salt’.
To continue, glasshouse relationships are very sensitive like many psychologists say. In fact, they have the potential to live until death do you part and there are a blessing when they do last. Blessing because they normally don’t have a bright future in the horizon based on statistics. And mankind creates statistics.
You may ask what makes a glasshouse relationship succeed. It’s easy. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) is the one that makes it succeed if you call upon HIM. If you always pray HIM to conceal the moral secrets you keep for a good reason from your spouse, HE will never desert you. See the key here is moral. If your secrets are immoral such as cheating, stealing, etc. Don’t even count on it. Unless you can cover the sun with your palm hands, it WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
That said, if you have a past that you concealed from your spouse because of shame, guilt, and fear of losing their trust and respect, you need to make tawbah and repent to Allah (subhḥanahu wa ta’ala). By doing so, you are no longer liable to explain yourself toANYhuman being. What you did in your jahiliyyah times is between you and your Creator. Your spouses have no business knowing, and they shouldn’t require you to disclose it to them. If you want to tell them on your own, fine. But your self-disclosure is only required with Allah (subhḥanahu wa ta’ala). HE knows anyways.

Now, I will give you a few examples of withholding secrets and why they’re reasonable.

– If you’re withholding eating a cookie from your spouse when you have Diabetes and that your spouse will stress more about your health, it’s okay to hide that little detail. Just be responsible because your family needs you for a long run.
– If your spouse is self-conscious about his or her weight, don’t bring up skinny RAC or GQ type dudes that constantly hit on you at the office in your discussions. It’s better to withhold that detail as it’s a soft spot. This is reasonable as long as you have no intentions of entertaining these distracting individuals later on. Avoid them period.
– If your spouse doesn’t want you to work but he’s barely providing for you, here is ahadith that you can use if you find yourself rationalizing your decision to work without his knowledge. The Prophet (sallallahu aleihi was salam) stated this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my child, unless I take from him without his knowledge.” He told her, “Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.90)

Just don’t be greedy, be a planner, and don’t let your behavior show that something changed. Be tactful, be the you he knows. We understand that not everybody has the luxury to dump their spouse just because they are not happy or agree on an issue. It takes a lot time, effort, opportunity costs to make a marriage work.

The truth is, in your marriages, you will never reach the same wavelength on all the issues that arise between you. C’est la vie! Rational accounting of our spouses’ feelings and emotions as I call it, is a way to keep everybody happy.

Just remember, keep your family bonds closer and your rug and rosary even closer.

– Finally, if you’re polygamous husband and that one of your wives spices up your world with her spices and I am not talking about the spice rack in the kitchen…and that the other wives suspect this by your behavior after you leave the “spicy wife” and can’t match the competition or aren’t as comfortable with their sexuality, withhold yourself from disclosing that detail intentionally or even if they ask! They’re humans! Aisha (radi allahu anhu) used to be jealous from Khadijah (radi allahu anhu) who had already passed away. Tact my friends is the name of the game. Besides, personal bedroom secrets should not be divulged.

I hope this post was enlightening and provided fresh data.

Jazak’Allahu khair for reading,

Originally published in  Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

The Four C’s

I read this article and it made me ponder for a moment. In Islam, a husband is not required to give you a wedding ring, let alone a diamond (almas) one. But he can give you a ring for many reasons. One reason is that he doesn’t want you to feel cheated if you live in a western culture where it’s common practice. Another reason could be that the ring is your wedding gift as it’s pricy. And because you don’t have a price, a diamond is the closest thing he can come close to, to make you feel special. Now, I have an advice for you single sisters. If a man no matter how honest and good he is, can get away with not paying your dowry, legalize your union on paper (by that I mean a recognized marriage license by the court), he will! If he ‘promises’ you a ring after you’re married, please don’t go for it. Get him to buy the ring before you move in with him. Once you’re inside his house, you’re HIS. And he won’t see the importance of such a trinket in your eyes. You will find yourself chasingafter him for the rest of your life to honor his ring promise. Trust me on this. Some will honor that promise after a considerable amount of nagging on your part while others will never fulfil that promise and will wake up between the thieves on judgment day if they never paid you your rightful dowry.

Anyways, diamonds are appraised by the Cut, the Color, the Clarity, and the Carat.

If you received a diamond, you’ll quickly learn about that last part or ‘C’; the Carat weigh.

If you didn’t receive one, don’t despair, you can still have the four C’s. You’ll probably laugh and say how can I have the 4 C’s without possessing a diamond ring you weirdo?

I’ll laugh and say, ‘You can by creating four letter C words that you will watch for in your marriage to make it successful.’ Let’s face it, a diamond is not a guarantee of a happy life. And if you’re like me, you wear your ring to discourage pretendants, show that you’re married. As for you, it’s a symbol of what must appear. You don’t wear it to enter into a context of showoff about whose got the biggest rock.

If you want one and he didn’t give you one or never upheld his part of the bargain, sister, just buy yourself a damn ring and be happy about it. They are many good and decent rings these days everyone can afford. They even have a science on how much of your man’s income is supposed to go to the ring. I’m going to tell you this, don’t encourage him to buy a rock that you’ll have to pay off for the rest of your life! Besides there is more barakain less pompous and extravagant affairs and you’ll attract less evil eye that way.

Now, my Four C’s are: Communication, Creativity, Care, Commitment. And it only took me a few minutes to recognize that they were.

1.Communication

To be a happy wife, I make sure to communicate my needs to the hubby. Strive to make your line of communication open and you’ll have one C in your relationship down.

2.Creativity

A marriage becomes stale if creativity isn’t in the mix. Don’t let that happen to your relationship. Find ways to spend quality times together and enjoy life as couple. This will make you feel accomplished and fulfilled.

3.Care

Care for each other for the sake of Allah. The bond just grows deeper from there.

4.Commitment

Be committed to your marriage life as it’s half of your deen. Life in marriage is rewarding if you’re committed on making it work.

You may have different C’s than these ones. Just keep your eyes on jannah al-firdaws uktys as you draft yours. May Allah always bless us and our marriages with love, understanding, good communication, and strong commitment, ameen.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading.

Originally published in Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

Is He Into You?

Bismillah,

I read this article and I thought, well there is a need to tell non-Muslims how it works for us Muslims. Or at least from my Muslimah experience.

If you land a good to great Muslim man, you’re set when it comes to be the ‘apple of his eyes.’ Now, because good to great Muslim brothers ‘be difficult’ at times, don’t take their flaws as a sign of a failed relationship. Nothing in this life is supposed to be easy. With hardship comes ease, so always expect bad times but don’t be pessimistic. There is a fine line between the two. Besides if you face no challenges in your life, how can you appreciate your success and how far you’ve come?

So how do you know that your hermit, poker face, few saying words Muslim man is into you? He might be a few more other words that I can’t think of right now but we will stick with what we have for now.

1.He’s capable of grand gestures when you least expect it. For instance, he’ll vacuum, cook, and clean the house for you without expecting sex later on.

2.He will recount your words about something you told him ages ago while he acted non-interested. What? He was actually listening? would be your reaction when he repeats what you said word for word.

3.You don’t need to meet all his male friends to know he loves you especially if he pays attention to mahram boundaries. He rather not know your girlfriends and sisters very well. He avoids them like the plague and they might peg him as a jerk. Good for you because that will keep them girls for trying anything funny toward him. Meeting his mom, dad, his sisters, female cousins, and aunts are enough for you to know that you’re a keeper. He fears Allah.

4. He text messages you often. He also emails you cute cards out of the blue or emails you a nice card when you had a fight. He loves to take the blame even if he’s not at fault.

5.He’s corny and gets/knows obscure pop culture references to make you laugh when you least expect it. Because of his shy and quiet character, you never pegged him for a cliché cute dork.

6.Whenever you voice a need, he strives to offer what he has to you. ‘You can have my phone, my car, my computer, etc’ he would say because yours broke down or got lost. This one is tricky too. He also doesn’t want to spend money by offering his sometimes ;)! Haha, classic ‘sunnah frugal’ Muslim man. I say stingy!  But it’s cute when they don’t ignore your needs. It means a lot. They care!

7.He remembers to do something he promised you he would do when the two of you are not on speaking terms. For instance, he finally fixed the kitchen cabinet you asked to fix eons ago. That’s love right there. Even if he’s mad at you, he strives to do right by you.

8.He saves the last bite of a meal or the last few ounces of succulent drink for you. Not because he belittles you but because he wants you to have that baraqah. He could be selfish and keep it for himself. #cleanyourplate #don’twaste #notetomyselffirst.

9. When you’re sick, he’s sad and attends to your needs no matter what they are. He really looks after you without whining. He prays for you as well.

10.When he’s in love with you, he follows the sunnah of the bedroom. You’ll ‘see beautiful stars’ before him or be in sync with him to ‘see the stars.’ He’ll care for your needs there first.

11. He buys you things you need that you didn’t ask for such as a simple cell phone case, an earpiece, etc. He’s thoughtful. He also brings you little presents from work such as candy, a cookie, a muffin, a single flower, etc. Nothing extravagant but something that shows his heart was in a right place and you’re at the center of it.

12. He tells you that you’re awesome and he brags to his family and your family about you without attracting evil eye on the pair of you.

13. He’s awkwardly poetic and he keeps everything meaningful you give him or pertaining to the love you share in organized files digitally. That way he can go find them easily to reminisce. He still messes with paper and that’s the last resort.

14. He loves to hug you and enjoy the moment. Saying I love you is inferred in that moment you share.

You’re the center of their worlds if you see all that! Actions mean so much more than words. Remember that ukhtys.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading and share with us how you know he’s into you besides the fact that he married you for the deen.

Jzk,

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016