Riding the Samoosa Express: Personal Narratives of Marriage and Beyond

Riding the Samoosa Express is a metaphor to refer to the process of courtship, love, marriage and beyond. It’s a well written tale sampling the diversity and the different faces the Indian Muslim women contributors experienced.

These personal narratives range from very funny tales like Farhana Ismail’s father’sizzat (honor) demands and Somayya Hansrod’s mishaps in the kitchen to soul searching and self actualization stories such as the ones of Yasmin Denat and many other anonymous and non-anonymous contributors.

A very thought provocative compilation,Riding the Samoosa Express tell us that what may be true for one Muslim woman is not necessarily true or the norm for another Muslim woman. Each Muslim woman has a different life and a different culture. So some of these stories mirror the lives of other Muslim women around the globe while many don’t.

Many of the stories spoke to me. For instance, I felt the struggles of Zaheera Jina when she wished to be ‘Only Oomi’ to her son while battling a PhD career in Mathematics. Another story that spoke to me is the one of Nabeela Patel because of her open mind and religious tolerance of other faiths. I enjoyed her critical mind and the way she ended her piece:
“First, I need to blossom into a flower from a bud and settle into my own life. In this big, bad world I don’t know where I’ll end up, or who I will be, but I need to find that out first. I need to fathom the complex me, settle into my skin and breathe…”

She used the right words to seal the deal with me.
In conclusion, Riding the Samoosa Express is a must and a good read!

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com .

An Interview with Melati Lum

Papatia Feauxzar: Melati, Assalamu aleikum. Welcome to Hayati Magazine. Please tell us something we don't know about you.

Melati Lum: Wa aleikum salam! I’m a mum and former criminal prosecutor of serious crimes. In my past I’ve worked for the United Nations in the prosecution of war crimes committed in the former Yugoslavia. Outside of work, I love travelling, learning about different cultures, and spending time with my family and friends.

PF: That's good to know. Thank you. So how long have you been writing?

ML: I guess it depends on what type of writing! In my profession as a lawyer I’ve had to do a lot of combining different people’s accounts of an event and presenting it as one story. As a criminal lawyer it can be a challenge to find ways of presenting a story to an audience in a way that they can relate to and understand, but of course a lawyer is limited as to the facts. In terms of fiction, I’ve only been writing for about a year.

PF: Not bad! How long did it take you to write Ayesha Dean: The Istanbul Intrigue?

ML: I had to juggle my challenging day job with writing, so it took me about 6 months to write the first draft of Ayesha Dean, and then a further couple of months to edit it. With balancing work, family life, and writing, I found that I could only write a little bit at a time, but I tried to do it as consistently as I could.

PF: Do you outline your stories or do you just go with the flow?

MF: I had a general outline, and within that very general outline I went with the flow. I had to get rid of quite a lot of material that seemed ok at the time, but later didn’t fit with the rest of the story…

PF: I see and it happens. When will your book, Ayesha Dean: The Istanbul Intrigue, officially launch? Readers, you can read a review here.

ML: The official release date will be on 10 April 2016. On that date, I will be having an eBook giveaway for a very limited time for early subscribers to my website www.melatilum.com.au

PF: Readers, make sure you subscribe to get your free copy! So, you're an indie author. Why did you choose that route?

ML: Self-publishing has come a long way over the past few years. EBook readers and tablets make sourcing books a lot more convenient and readily accessible to readers all over the world, and the variety of books that are available to download has greatly increased. Also, print-on-demand technology has opened up the market to indie publishers in a fresh and contemporary way. Since Muslim and diversity fiction is still relatively new to the western market, all things considered as a first-time author, taking the indie route was attractive to me.

PF: You're already writing the next story which I'm excited about! Can you tell us which country you will set this story in if that's okay to reveal?

ML: Oooh no sorry that’s a surprise!!!!

PF: Okie, I'll be patient to wait insha'Allah hehe. Muslim fiction is on the rise alhamdullilah and please continue to write because we're onto something very valuable here; telling our own stories to the world. Do you think we can change the state of affairs with our voices?

ML: I think it is really important that Muslim and diverse voices are reflected in fiction to a greater extent than what is currently reflected in western culture, particularly the voices of Muslim women. In many cases around the world, the voices of Muslim women have been censored, ridiculed, or simply considered irrelevant. There have been various factors for this state of affairs, whether it be being part of a minority group, or unfortunately oppression from within our own communities. You and I are fortunate enough to be placed in a society where we have the opportunity to make our voices heard. And yes, I definitely think we can all change the state of affairs with our voices, whether that be among the wider community, in our own homes, or within ourselves.

PF: I agree, we are very fortunate indeed. Alhamdullilah. And we will bring about a change  insha'Allah. You also have a LaunchGood campaign going on now. I pray you meet your goal and surpass it insha'Allah. Was it hard to set up?

ML: It did take a bit of effort, and I was fortunate to have the help of my partners in the campaign- Arabic Made in China- a fun and easy way to learn Arabic, and Life of My Heart- purveyors of modern Muslim lifestyle. Also the team at LaunchGood were absolutely amazing, really supportive and encouraging, and doing a fabulous service for the Muslim community. I’d highly recommend them for any great crowdfunding project!

PF: Masha'Allah that's awesome. I'll also look into their organization in the future insha'Allah. Jazak'Allahu khair for agreeing to be interviewed and thank you for being with us Melati. The team at Hayati Magazine and I wish you great success with your campaign, the book launch, and the book sales. Please share with us your social media links so our readers can get to know you better.

ML: Jazak’Allahu khair, thank you so much for the kind words and the interview :)

You can follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or on my website.

PF: Wa iyyakum! :) Wassalam.

Picture credit : CreativeUmmah.com

The Broken Half- A Review

Sahar Abdulaziz is a resident of Pennsylvania. From her website, Sahar Abdulaziz graduated with a bachelor’s degree in psychology before going on to earn her master’s degree in health and wellness promotion and administration. Also holding a certification in community health, she has answered hotline phones and worked as a domestic violence counselor/advocate. Abdulaziz, as a staunch advocate for mutual respect and acceptance, currently acts as a speaker and writer dedicated to helping those with hidden and painful disorders cope more successfully.

Her Book The Broken Half is a tale about domestic violence and how if left unchecked causes a lot of collateral damages. The story saddened me on numerous occasions because of the trials her characters went through; especially Zahra Evans. The assaults on Zahra traumatized me for a few days until I decided to make an effort to turn the page. I have to applaud the author Abdulazizfor penning such heavy materials which need to be discussed and resolved in our communities. That said, domestic violence is not only rampant in Muslim communities. As a matter of fact, it’s present in non-Muslims communities as well. The book doesn’t touch on that and I think it’s perhaps to say that she would write about what she knows of. You can’t write about what you don’t know. That’s my number one rule as a writer; don’t preach to the choir but surround facts with believable fiction.

Furthermore, Abdulaziz didn’t patronize anybody (Muslims or non-Muslims) in this story. I like these kind of stories which show the weaknesses of human nature and where the root of the problem started. Great fiction debunking the realities of domestic violence and its failing advocates within the story.

I also appreciate that at the end of her stories just like in As One Door Closes, Abdulaziz lists places where victims of domestic abuse, rape, and/or incest can seek help at anonymously.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading.

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com .

Stay Home Wifey

Bismillah.

“A woman shouldn’t work!” is what you hear a lot from some Muslim men. The truth is Allah has not asked a woman to work but if she wants to, it’s her choice to do so. She’s the responsibility of the men of her family if unmarried. However, norms have changed today and betting on that sole rule results in total domestic abuse in many cases because such women have no penny to their name and depend on them.

How many of us working Muslimah face the challenging dilemma of quitting one’s job to raise a family someday? The answer is many of us do. This subject is very crucial in the married lives of many Muslim women who just started a successful career. Our parents sent us to school, spent thousands and thousands of dollars to educate us. We also spent a lot of money on our education if you were student worker like many Muslim girls. All this hassle, to end up being in a sandwich situation where the husbands want a stay home wife on one hand and our families and ego wanting us to be career women on the other hand. The truth is if our parents wanted us to stay home, they wouldn’t have invested a lot of money in our education. They would have yanked us from secular institutions the moment they knew we could read and write. Then, they would wait for the perfect husband to come ask for your hand like many Muslim families do around the world. There is nothing wrong with that if all parties involved here are in agreements with this treatment.

Furthermore, as many Muslim men request that their wives stay home to care of their babies to avoid daycare costs and its horror stories for the child to have a proper Sunnahupbringing instilled by the mother. There is a double edge sword or billion dollar question to be asked here. That is, if all your women are ‘stay home wifeys’ who is going to be the female Doctor (Dentist, Family practice, Gynecologist, etc.) that is going to examine her like you wish? Who is going to be that female TSA or police agent that is going to pat her down when there is an issue at hand? Who is going to that teacher you only want her to interact with to avoid Fitnah? I completely agree with the fact that we shouldn’t put ourselves in conditions that would compromise our good behavior and so forth but it all boils down to self-control, trust, and faith. Where I grew up, Muslim women work and have maids to help them with chores around the house.  As Muslim women, we are allowed to have a help. There are things they let the help do and there are things they specifically do for their husbands as soon as they get off work. They change, clean up, and hop in the kitchen to add the final touch. However, this also comes with its share of issues if the man has no self-control and start messing around with the help or the female relatives of his wife he’s no mahram to. That’s why many women juggle work, housework, and married life and strive to find a perfect balance between all of these.

Now, don’t think I’m against being a stay home wife because I have entertained the idea for a while now. There are advantages to this as if your husband can provide for you, your family, and his family, you are set! However, if you leave your good paying job and have to re-invent yourself and scramble to become a business woman in another field from home, you will be facing harsh realities. Soliciting clients is very hard to do, and it requires a lot of time, effort, sales and marketing skills. Things not everybody possess.

Having said all that, how do you get on the same wavelength with the husband about the subject of continuing to work after marriage or staying home after a baby comes along? This is what you need to do:

– Pray Allah (subhanahu wata ala) for an answer. He will guide you and your husband to the right solution for your special case insha’Allah.

– Sit down with your spouse and talk about the opportunity costs here if you stay in your job or leave the job. And always communicate like adults (calmly and without tantrum, don’t let it escalate into an argument).

If you have to keep your job, make sure your marriage will not go down the drain as a result. If you decide to stay home, I can tell you for a fact that it will be a shock at first because you’ll be bored at some point and miss your job. You may even feel worthless and a spending machine while your husband is earning the living for you. If this issue plays a role in the happiness of your marriage life, seek counseling advice. I took a class before marriage because we would get a discount on the marriage license fee and the moderator talked about the success that a certain method provided for couples with this issue. The method was simply the husband paying the wife for the work she did in the home like the picture suggests she is worth but let’s be honest, your husband is not going to give you 100k+ for your services *winking smiley*!  If only the stay home wifey made what she was supposed to earn! I admire all of you sisters out there who are stay home wifeys. You are much appreciated in my books.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading.

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com and Hayatimagazine.com .

Reasons to Get Hitched

Bismillah,

There are many reasons not to rush into marriage and I’ll touch on that on another post. But in the meantime, here are some reasons why you should get hitched.

1. Anger champion

“In the second century AH, there was a righteous man called Shu`ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, “I am a bad-tempered man.” She replied, tactfully and cleverly, “The one who makes you lose your temper is worse than you.” He realized that there stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise, and mature. He immediately said to her, “You will be my wife.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.82).

The lesson you should get from this is that if you can handle the heat, go ahead and get in the ‘kitchen’ and prove your mate that you’re an anger management champion. By kitchen, I mean marriage* wink*. That said, I’m not telling you to stick with a man that beats you. Domestic violence is not to be tolerated.

2. Ego Fender

Often times, I have heart to heart discussions with non-Muslim friends who are die-hard feminists. The main thing I noticed with them across the board is that they have a huge ego, no offense. They despise the idea of submitting and humbling yourself to Allah. They equally hate the fact that a Muslim woman has to ask for permission from her spouse to do certain things. For us it comes down to humbling ourselves and seeing the big picture,Jannah. That doesn’t make us weak, it makes us good servants, smart and patient. If you can swallow your pride in many hard situations you face in life, you’re an ego fender and you should get hitched. Besides, pride is what got shaytan kicked out of heavens.

3. Hopeless Romantic

So you fantasize on blissful love as a single. You should get married before zina temps you. That said, don’t think marriage is only about that. Marriage can also be like the fights you have with your college roommates because they don’t clean or didn’t pay a certain bill. You get the gist.

4. Allah mindful

Marriage is half of your deen and you heard it tons of times. For his sake and love, you should get married.

Above all, marriage is fun and rewarding if you put the time and effort in. Don’t go in thinking it’s going to be a walk in the park. May Allah help you find a worthy mate and bless your union, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally posted at Hayatimagazine.com

Reasons Not to Rush into Marriage

Bismillah,

Nowadays, the ummah has a high rate of divorce. This is partly due to the fact that people rush into marriage without understanding what marriage entails or seeing the big picture. Marriage is about love yes, but it’s also about dealing with another being crowding your personal space. Moreover, marriage is about commitment, picking your battles, agreeing to disagree, learning to forgive, and much, much more.

So what are some reasons not to rush into marriage?

1. Jealousy

So the person you have your eyes set on is very jealous of another potential candidate. Don’t get married because it will make him or her confident of the basis of your relationship. You’ll have trust issues if you do that. Just let things run their normal course and arrive at your decision to get married when the water is calm. Remember to doistikhara and pray to see the light if you get unfavorable results.

2. I don’t want to commit zina

Some people get married so that they can finally experience intimacy. I commend you if you wait for marriage to be intimate but don’t let that drive you to marriage. In doing so, you’ll be blindsided by other issues you should have paid attention to. What if you’re marrying a phony? You would have failed to catch that because all you were thinking about was halal romance at last. Just be careful. Adjust your priorities so that you can think clearly.

3. I’ll be a better spouse or person when I’m married

Many people think that marriage will change them overnight. If you take a step in being a good spouse, you’ll be a good one. It is not going to drop on your lap. It’s not magic. It’s what you put in that you get back! Be realistic!

4. Looks

‘Oh masha’Allah, X looks good! I need to marry X at all costs!’ Sadly, many people think that and then realize they’ve made a huge mistake. They later grasp that X is not a good Muslim. X is arrogant. X is a bad spouse. X is etc. Find an X that’s easy on the eyes and also beautiful on the inside. Nothing says you can’t have both!

This is not an all-inclusive list but it’s a pretty good golden rule. If you ignore all these signs and still get married, you’re definitely in for a roller-coaster and I hope you can handle it because not every couple is strong enough to see past the tornado. Be ready to put the effort in to see it succeed. Marriage is never all blissful love because it’s about hard work. And when something seems too easy, you should be skeptical and think, ‘What’s the catch?’

So before you head into it, make sure you don’t expect a picnic! May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  make our marriages successful, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally published at Hayatimagazine.com

Are You Realistic About What A Real Relationship Is About?

Bismillah.

Are you realistic about what a real relationship is about? You probably don’t know the answer so let me help you.

A relationship isn’t supposed to be a nice breeze but why do many people think so? Nothing in life is supposed to be a walk in a park. And Allah made life this way so that we can achieve great things and see the rewards throughout our accomplishments and trials. And everybody needs to understand that.

There is also a reason why many conservative Muslims don’t like to watch TV, listen to Music, and/or pay close attention to the media. You know why? Because it gives you unrealistic hopes. You were probably thinking because they’re the haram police. It could why but it’s not the only reason.

Now, if the following apply to you then you have a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a hopeless romantic but I try to keep my feet on the ground even though I enjoy some of the following in my down time to escape reality. Key words here ‘escape reality’ in case you missed it *wink*. So here we go :

• Your idea of a perfect union is based on popular romantic movie.

Wrong! There is a reason it’s a movie; it’s fiction. It’s not real! Don’t get your hopes up when you watch them hoping your man or your woman will do the same with the puppy love, the flowers, the travels, the fancy proposals, the loving texts, the etc. and etc. that make such movies romantic in our eyes. We all need to understand that every relationship is different and that what movies make seem as the standard is not the norm.

Your spouse or fiance can love you but they don’t have to be all mushy or money about it. Romance is much more than the media hype. It’s accepting and working with the good and the bad your spouses make you live on the daily basis. Not the snapshots of happily ever after. I have actually wanted to write a book titled What Happens After Happily Ever After for a long time now but I realized that I already have with most of my romance books because the characters live real life scenarios in a marriage setting. Some have a penchant for popular culture and that’s why they are in my fantasy world.

• You cry when you hear love songs and you think they were written just for you. Worse, you expect your partner to sing and dedicate one to you.

Music is not good for us because it makes us vulnerable and an easy target for emotions (sad, happy, in-between, you name it.) And what unseen creatures love to target our emotions? The djinns. That’s right, djinns love music and that’s another reason why I try to stay away from music these days. It’s not the fear of hot lead pouring in my ears in the next life BUT the fear of being worn by these evil things that makes me contemplate that tainted love from far. May Allah helps us all, amiin.

Movies have soundtracks and after it’s over, don’t let that invisible soundtrack follow you around. Be realistic, life is much more noisier than that. Come back on earth and carry on with your normal daily activities.

• You watch celebrity couples get married, you watch reality shows about them, and any other power couple out there and you wish to be them.

You don’t know what these people do or how they really behave behind closed doors. I can guarantee that they are the source of so much evil eye (intentional and unintentional) and that’s the reason there are always tabloids about them or interesting rumors. Don’t envy the smokescreens. Pray for a good relationship with yourself, your Creator, your family, your spouse, keep to yourself and don’t advertise your relationship on social media because Satan loves to break up the man from the woman. Open your eyes, be realistic, and lower your expectations. Really lower your expectations because simple is always rewarding and fulfilling.  I know because I live by that code alhamdullilah. Remember, if something is too good to be true, it probably is!

Wassalam,

Papatia

Why Do We Decide To Forgive Our Spouses?

Bismillah,

You know what’s ageless? A fight between a couple. It never gets old. You’ll always argue about something. After the hurtful words and deep wounds we inflict upon each other, we go through a period of silent rage, and then we decide to move past it. This is the forgiveness state. So why do we decide to forgive our spouses? We do it for many reasons. Some reasons include love, the amazing sex maybe, the guilt on another issue, religion, the stigma associated with becoming a divorcee, and/or children. I’ll develop each of my points but don’t mistake this list for a comprehensive one. There are many other reasons I don’t know about. I’ll only talk about what I know.

• Love

We love our partners no matter how shady, mean, taunting, gross, crafty, you name it, they can be. At the end of the day, we realize that they’re our kryptonite and that’s the reason we wed them. It’s also the reason why we have to forgive them. No one is perfect. They complete us and make us who we are. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) loves us and He forgives us no matter what we do. He still gives us second chances and more. Thinking about that, we realize that we have to give second, third, more chances to our partners. This is hard to do. But if we can’t forgive them, then something is wrong with us. If He created us to His image, then the love He gave us should warrant the forgiveness we grant to our partners.

• The sex

Chemistry is the name of the game when it comes to forgiveness. Alhamdulillah, I really excelled in it in college. But I’m not talking about the academic Chemistry. When a couple has the love chemistry type, they trust each other, they lose themselves in each other. The way they make each other feel in bed could be another reason they forgive each other’s mistakes. In fact, I heard of this couple who divorced but because they had that amazing sex chemistry, they decided to put their issues aside and still meet every now and then to do the ‘dirty deed’. Now, I’m not advertising zina. For from it, I’m trying to support the fact that great sex is another reason two persons can see past their differences and stay connected conservatively or non-conservatively.

• Guilt on another issue

So you have a fight and you’re mad beyond control. Then, you internally curse your half. You run all the scenarios in your head of what you should have said to inflict a deeper cut. Along the way, your conscience takes you down memory lane to remind you that maybe because you lied to your spouse about something else important, Allah is punishing you with the discord you’re facing. Now, because you feel guilty over this ‘dirty secret’, you prefer to let your anger slide and rekindle with your loved one. I’m sure each one of us has been there. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

• Religion

We all heard the hadith that says that an angry person will not enter paradise. Who doesn’t want a great afterlife? Even non-believers want a reward in another life. That said, being angry is a normal human response but for our sake in the afterlife and the poison being angry creates within us, we find it easy and healthy to let it go and start a new page.

• The stigma of becoming a divorcee

This is a no brainer. Sometimes, the fear of this stigma keeps us from holding a grudge. Not everybody feels brave to start over. A new life also comes with new challenges different from the past life. And because you already know what you’re up against in your current situation, you stay where familiarity is best for you. Besides, what’s a marriage without any tests? Now, don’t stay there if you’re being abused.

• Children

The thought that our children may become broken can make a couple put their need to be separated on the back burner. I have seen and heard of many women who sacrificed their own happiness so that their children can have both parents raising them in the same home. When the children were old enough to be independent, the couples parted ways with no hard feelings.

Above all, we all need forgiveness. We’re only humans and sometimes we’re blind when we act. It’s just the self-centeredness in us. May Allah help us become better servants and partners, amiin.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading,

Originally published at Hayatimagazine.com

Keeping Secrets

Should we tell everything to our halves? It depends. Many of us keep secrets from our spouses. These secrets can take many shapes. I will only touch up on withholding information.

In our marriages, we withhold a lot of important information because the adage clearly states, “My freedom ends where yours begins.” Two words summarize the quote; group work.
If you didn’t get it, we have to factor in our spouses when taking important decisions because we’re a unit. However, it’s not that simple.
It’s not that simple to disclose EVERYTHING because we want to avoid an argument, a conflict, to be considerate, or we just hope that with time the other spouse will see things under our lens. Our marriages aren’t perfect but strive to be better. Nothing is perfect by the way just don’t underestimate the power of dua.
For striving to get a better relationship with our spouses, many of us live in glasshouses. Glasshouses because we have lived many challenging scenarios that we have resolved or currently resolving. Some of which shook the foundation of our relationships and made them vulnerable.
At the same time, we’re advising you on what to do or not to do based on our experiences. If we give you great advice, it’s most likely because we either lived the scenarios, witnessed it, and learned from our mistakes. I never preach to the choir because I’m conscious enough to know the implications in the afterlife. To support this statement, think of chefs. They never compile a recipe book without trying and making all recipes. They therefore know what worked and what didn’t work. Though, you may find yourself tweaking their recipes and adding your own ‘grain of salt’.
To continue, glasshouse relationships are very sensitive like many psychologists say. In fact, they have the potential to live until death do you part and there are a blessing when they do last. Blessing because they normally don’t have a bright future in the horizon based on statistics. And mankind creates statistics.
You may ask what makes a glasshouse relationship succeed. It’s easy. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) is the one that makes it succeed if you call upon HIM. If you always pray HIM to conceal the moral secrets you keep for a good reason from your spouse, HE will never desert you. See the key here is moral. If your secrets are immoral such as cheating, stealing, etc. Don’t even count on it. Unless you can cover the sun with your palm hands, it WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
That said, if you have a past that you concealed from your spouse because of shame, guilt, and fear of losing their trust and respect, you need to make tawbah and repent to Allah (subhḥanahu wa ta’ala). By doing so, you are no longer liable to explain yourself toANYhuman being. What you did in your jahiliyyah times is between you and your Creator. Your spouses have no business knowing, and they shouldn’t require you to disclose it to them. If you want to tell them on your own, fine. But your self-disclosure is only required with Allah (subhḥanahu wa ta’ala). HE knows anyways.

Now, I will give you a few examples of withholding secrets and why they’re reasonable.

– If you’re withholding eating a cookie from your spouse when you have Diabetes and that your spouse will stress more about your health, it’s okay to hide that little detail. Just be responsible because your family needs you for a long run.
– If your spouse is self-conscious about his or her weight, don’t bring up skinny RAC or GQ type dudes that constantly hit on you at the office in your discussions. It’s better to withhold that detail as it’s a soft spot. This is reasonable as long as you have no intentions of entertaining these distracting individuals later on. Avoid them period.
– If your spouse doesn’t want you to work but he’s barely providing for you, here is ahadith that you can use if you find yourself rationalizing your decision to work without his knowledge. The Prophet (sallallahu aleihi was salam) stated this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my child, unless I take from him without his knowledge.” He told her, “Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.90)

Just don’t be greedy, be a planner, and don’t let your behavior show that something changed. Be tactful, be the you he knows. We understand that not everybody has the luxury to dump their spouse just because they are not happy or agree on an issue. It takes a lot time, effort, opportunity costs to make a marriage work.

The truth is, in your marriages, you will never reach the same wavelength on all the issues that arise between you. C’est la vie! Rational accounting of our spouses’ feelings and emotions as I call it, is a way to keep everybody happy.

Just remember, keep your family bonds closer and your rug and rosary even closer.

– Finally, if you’re polygamous husband and that one of your wives spices up your world with her spices and I am not talking about the spice rack in the kitchen…and that the other wives suspect this by your behavior after you leave the “spicy wife” and can’t match the competition or aren’t as comfortable with their sexuality, withhold yourself from disclosing that detail intentionally or even if they ask! They’re humans! Aisha (radi allahu anhu) used to be jealous from Khadijah (radi allahu anhu) who had already passed away. Tact my friends is the name of the game. Besides, personal bedroom secrets should not be divulged.

I hope this post was enlightening and provided fresh data.

Jazak’Allahu khair for reading,

Originally published in  Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

The Four C’s

I read this article and it made me ponder for a moment. In Islam, a husband is not required to give you a wedding ring, let alone a diamond (almas) one. But he can give you a ring for many reasons. One reason is that he doesn’t want you to feel cheated if you live in a western culture where it’s common practice. Another reason could be that the ring is your wedding gift as it’s pricy. And because you don’t have a price, a diamond is the closest thing he can come close to, to make you feel special. Now, I have an advice for you single sisters. If a man no matter how honest and good he is, can get away with not paying your dowry, legalize your union on paper (by that I mean a recognized marriage license by the court), he will! If he ‘promises’ you a ring after you’re married, please don’t go for it. Get him to buy the ring before you move in with him. Once you’re inside his house, you’re HIS. And he won’t see the importance of such a trinket in your eyes. You will find yourself chasingafter him for the rest of your life to honor his ring promise. Trust me on this. Some will honor that promise after a considerable amount of nagging on your part while others will never fulfil that promise and will wake up between the thieves on judgment day if they never paid you your rightful dowry.

Anyways, diamonds are appraised by the Cut, the Color, the Clarity, and the Carat.

If you received a diamond, you’ll quickly learn about that last part or ‘C’; the Carat weigh.

If you didn’t receive one, don’t despair, you can still have the four C’s. You’ll probably laugh and say how can I have the 4 C’s without possessing a diamond ring you weirdo?

I’ll laugh and say, ‘You can by creating four letter C words that you will watch for in your marriage to make it successful.’ Let’s face it, a diamond is not a guarantee of a happy life. And if you’re like me, you wear your ring to discourage pretendants, show that you’re married. As for you, it’s a symbol of what must appear. You don’t wear it to enter into a context of showoff about whose got the biggest rock.

If you want one and he didn’t give you one or never upheld his part of the bargain, sister, just buy yourself a damn ring and be happy about it. They are many good and decent rings these days everyone can afford. They even have a science on how much of your man’s income is supposed to go to the ring. I’m going to tell you this, don’t encourage him to buy a rock that you’ll have to pay off for the rest of your life! Besides there is more barakain less pompous and extravagant affairs and you’ll attract less evil eye that way.

Now, my Four C’s are: Communication, Creativity, Care, Commitment. And it only took me a few minutes to recognize that they were.

1.Communication

To be a happy wife, I make sure to communicate my needs to the hubby. Strive to make your line of communication open and you’ll have one C in your relationship down.

2.Creativity

A marriage becomes stale if creativity isn’t in the mix. Don’t let that happen to your relationship. Find ways to spend quality times together and enjoy life as couple. This will make you feel accomplished and fulfilled.

3.Care

Care for each other for the sake of Allah. The bond just grows deeper from there.

4.Commitment

Be committed to your marriage life as it’s half of your deen. Life in marriage is rewarding if you’re committed on making it work.

You may have different C’s than these ones. Just keep your eyes on jannah al-firdaws uktys as you draft yours. May Allah always bless us and our marriages with love, understanding, good communication, and strong commitment, ameen.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading.

Originally published in Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

Is He Into You?

Bismillah,

I read this article and I thought, well there is a need to tell non-Muslims how it works for us Muslims. Or at least from my Muslimah experience.

If you land a good to great Muslim man, you’re set when it comes to be the ‘apple of his eyes.’ Now, because good to great Muslim brothers ‘be difficult’ at times, don’t take their flaws as a sign of a failed relationship. Nothing in this life is supposed to be easy. With hardship comes ease, so always expect bad times but don’t be pessimistic. There is a fine line between the two. Besides if you face no challenges in your life, how can you appreciate your success and how far you’ve come?

So how do you know that your hermit, poker face, few saying words Muslim man is into you? He might be a few more other words that I can’t think of right now but we will stick with what we have for now.

1.He’s capable of grand gestures when you least expect it. For instance, he’ll vacuum, cook, and clean the house for you without expecting sex later on.

2.He will recount your words about something you told him ages ago while he acted non-interested. What? He was actually listening? would be your reaction when he repeats what you said word for word.

3.You don’t need to meet all his male friends to know he loves you especially if he pays attention to mahram boundaries. He rather not know your girlfriends and sisters very well. He avoids them like the plague and they might peg him as a jerk. Good for you because that will keep them girls for trying anything funny toward him. Meeting his mom, dad, his sisters, female cousins, and aunts are enough for you to know that you’re a keeper. He fears Allah.

4. He text messages you often. He also emails you cute cards out of the blue or emails you a nice card when you had a fight. He loves to take the blame even if he’s not at fault.

5.He’s corny and gets/knows obscure pop culture references to make you laugh when you least expect it. Because of his shy and quiet character, you never pegged him for a cliché cute dork.

6.Whenever you voice a need, he strives to offer what he has to you. ‘You can have my phone, my car, my computer, etc’ he would say because yours broke down or got lost. This one is tricky too. He also doesn’t want to spend money by offering his sometimes ;)! Haha, classic ‘sunnah frugal’ Muslim man. I say stingy!  But it’s cute when they don’t ignore your needs. It means a lot. They care!

7.He remembers to do something he promised you he would do when the two of you are not on speaking terms. For instance, he finally fixed the kitchen cabinet you asked to fix eons ago. That’s love right there. Even if he’s mad at you, he strives to do right by you.

8.He saves the last bite of a meal or the last few ounces of succulent drink for you. Not because he belittles you but because he wants you to have that baraqah. He could be selfish and keep it for himself. #cleanyourplate #don’twaste #notetomyselffirst.

9. When you’re sick, he’s sad and attends to your needs no matter what they are. He really looks after you without whining. He prays for you as well.

10.When he’s in love with you, he follows the sunnah of the bedroom. You’ll ‘see beautiful stars’ before him or be in sync with him to ‘see the stars.’ He’ll care for your needs there first.

11. He buys you things you need that you didn’t ask for such as a simple cell phone case, an earpiece, etc. He’s thoughtful. He also brings you little presents from work such as candy, a cookie, a muffin, a single flower, etc. Nothing extravagant but something that shows his heart was in a right place and you’re at the center of it.

12. He tells you that you’re awesome and he brags to his family and your family about you without attracting evil eye on the pair of you.

13. He’s awkwardly poetic and he keeps everything meaningful you give him or pertaining to the love you share in organized files digitally. That way he can go find them easily to reminisce. He still messes with paper and that’s the last resort.

14. He loves to hug you and enjoy the moment. Saying I love you is inferred in that moment you share.

You’re the center of their worlds if you see all that! Actions mean so much more than words. Remember that ukhtys.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading and share with us how you know he’s into you besides the fact that he married you for the deen.

Jzk,

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

Unreasonable Spouse? Try These Tips!

Bismillah. Before we get into the tips, I need to define an unreasonable spouse. An unreasonable spouse is a spouse that makes everything difficult just because they get a kick out of it and because they can say NO or enjoy saying NO to you. For instance, you want to take advantage of a free offer and they tell you no. When you inquire why? They have no good reasons to support the disapproval but everything to keep a tight leash on you or even control and micro-manage you.
They go as far as requiring obedience from you and complete compliance. A reasonable spouse does not ask for obedience because it’s earned in this case. A slave obeys a master. For instance, believers obey their Lord’s commands without questioning them. We owe that much to our Creator for all the bounties and blessings He bestows upon us alhamdullilah.

Many unreasonable spouses think it’s their right to demand obedience. You cannot demand it; you have to earn it. If a husband treats his spouse well, she will obey him out of love and not out of compliance.
To continue, it’s so common for unreasonable spouses to be one-sided with their point of views. They demand the world and give nothing in return. A marriage is not a dictatorship, it’s a democracy. It’s also teamwork.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” Quran 30 Verse 21.
So what do you do when you’re faced with an unreasonable spouse or even a tyrant for that matter? Well, try these tips:

Invoke the name of Allah often

Allah always comes faster to His servants that constantly say His name out of love and concern.

“And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.” Quran 2 Verse 186.

Seek help from crossed trained professionals and the community if it gets verbally (dangerously) or physically abusive

I say crossed trained professionals because if the domestic abuse help is biased and think Islam is an oppressive religion, you’re at a loss. You need well rounded folks to help you through recovery. Now, about the community. I pray and hope that your community is run by open-minded leaders that have a zero tolerance policy toward abuse and not those who just give a slap on a wrist and send the couple back home to fix their issues that can’t be resolved if no one intervenes.

Ask yourself, what’s the lesson Allah wants me to learn from this?

Perhaps Allah wants you to learn humility. Or maybe, Allah wants you to be closer to him and increase your faith. Indeed, with hardship comes ease. It could also be that Allah wants you to be an advocate for that challenging cause in the future and help other in need insha’Allah.

Strive to be creative and to find loopholes in your spouse’s judgements that can allow you to get to your reasonable demands.

If your spouse told you that you can’t help your family with the family money which is nonsense. He never said, you can’t use your own money to be charitable. Think and act carefully! Plan your moves.
‘The Prophet (sallallahu aleihi was salam) stated this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my child, unless I take from him without his knowledge.” He told her, “Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.90)’
A wife is not a spouse’s dog because a dog obeys its master. She respects her spouse because spouses are equal.
“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them.” Quran 2:187
Now sisters, ‘A woman came to ask the Prophet about some matter, and when he had dealt with it, he asked her, “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He asked her, “How are you with him?” She said, “I never fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me.” He said, “Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell.” [13] * reported by Al Nisai and Tirmidhi.’
So in conclusion, I advise you to be patient even when you feel your dignity being tramped all over. You must never loose sight of the prize at risk here; Jannah. I’m not the most patient person but I’m definitely determined to see my dreams through. Allahu alim and may He make our marriages easy, ameen.

Originally published in and Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

How to Keep the Spark Alive in Our Daily Marriage Routine

Wake up, pray, shower, eat, go to work, come back from work, shower, pray, eat, watch TV and go back to bed. These are the daily routines of many families plus or minus a few other activities. We get so lost in routines that keeping the romance alive between spouses is the last thing on our minds. We complain about not having time for each other when we actually don’t make time for one another.

Life will always get in the way so here are a few tips to insert romance at each corner of these activities you already do. A few moments of giving more attention will only take a few seconds that you will be grateful for later.

When you wake up in the morning, after you made dua to say thank you to your Creator, turn to your spouses and smile at them. A simple “Did you dream about me?” can put a smile on their faces and warm their heart with love and joy.

If you miss the opportunity to wake up with your loved one at your side as s/he might be an earlier riser, you can make it up with taking a shower. Showering with one’s spouse can bring a couple together. However, it’s debatable subject in the ummah. While there arehadith that indicate our beloved Prophet (S) used to take showers with Aisha (RA), manysunni madhahib say that it’s only a private affair. Do your research and do what’s works for you to keep the flicker alive.

After the shower, if you have time to eat, show your appreciation to your spouse for the food by saying thank you and making dua for the spouse that prepared the meal.

When it’s time to go to work, and one of the spouses stays home, the leaving party should leave the family in the hands of Allah. The leaving party should kiss and hug the staying party. The staying party should wish farewell and make dua for the leaving party. If you both work, make dua for each other on your way out, kiss and say goodbye. These little acts of kindness make your family ties strong and your romance ties even stronger.

During the day, think of things that you can make or get for your spouse when you reunite with them. Always keeping your couple and family in the back of your head elevates the prestige of love you all share. The smiles your spouse will have when they come back from work to a nice smelling house filled with tasty and favorite aromas will show in the way they greet you. If you’re the spouse that comes home to a well-kept house daily, try not to come home empty handed. Surprise your mate with romantic gifts. It shows your appreciation. After a long day of doing everything to please you for HIS sake, a nice gesture is encouraging and appreciated. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be a single flower, a chocolate, a dessert, a note, a poem, etc., anything that shows your heart is in a good place. Now, don’t come home with a vacuum and tell your spouse you thought of them. Unless your spouse told you, I need a new vacuum, this move IS NOT romantic. Trust me, it rather says that you were thinking of more cleaning your spouse needs to get busy doing. The bottom line is don’t buy gifts for the house and mistake them for gifts s/he will find romantic. To conclude here, welcome each other with passion and a lot of heart. Life gets busy and taking a second to a minute to celebrate your love on a recurring basis will keep the romance alive and stronger with each step you take in that direction.

It’s time to talk about worship. You can pray together or pray separately (although praying together reaps more reward!). If you choose to pray separately, remember to make dua for your relationship to prosper and for your love for each other to be stronger. Ask HIM to put his barakah in your relationship. You don’t need cupid’s arrow when you constantly ask Allah to mend what’s broken in your relationship and continue to bless you with great love.

Next, as you eat and wind down, don’t be self-centered or selfish. Put your phones down, turn off the TV and ask about each other’s day. Discuss the news, inform each other of what you learned or heard about. Keep the talk alive between yourselves. It’s the foundation for solving problems when they present themselves.

Now, it’s time to go back to sleep. Before sleeping, take another moment to connect. Talk about anything, wish each other good night, make dua for each other, and tell each other corny and cheesy phrases such as “See you in the dream world.” This will lighten the mood and will hopefully put a smile on your faces because cliché is fun. Come up with your own cute phrases. Also try to sleep facing each other and not giving your back to each other. It increases the trust you have for each other. If you happen to have conjugal relations, make sure you satisfy each other. Don’t just use the other. Doing so kills the romance because one will feel used and not desired. You spouse isn’t not an object to satisfy your lust but there to complete you. “Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (Quran 2:187)

Above all, stay connected with your spouses with almost (if not) all routines you perform daily by keeping your spouses in your mind at each corner of your life. I hope these tips help and I pray that the fire of love always burns strong in your relationships, ameen!

Originally published in HauteHijab.com and Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016