11 of My Favorite Ivorian Proverbs

ENGLISH VERSION

1- "When the flamboyant blooms, the White withers."

2- "The sheep hang out together but they do not have the same price."

3- "When myopic become visionaries, mute are heard."

4- "Pineapples are small, large, and sweet. In other words, all girls are mature."

5- "If you do not know the town, you will marry the witch."

6- "The little black ant can get into a man's home, but that man can not go to her home!"

7- "When the rain pours on chili peppers, it does not diminish its virility."

8- "What God has written, a witch doctor can not erase."

9- "No trees bore fruits without having first flowers."

10- "People do not like people but they love people's money."

11- "The lazy man is jealous of the one who works and succeeds."

VERSION FRANÇAISE

1- "Quand le flamboyant fleurit, le Blanc dépérit."

2- "Les moutons se promenent ensemble mais n'ont pas le meme prix."

3- "Quand les myopes deviennent visionnaires, les muets se font entendre."

4- "Les Ananas, sont petits, sont gros, sont sucrés, autrement dit il n'y a pas de petite fille."

5- "Si tu ne connais pas le village, tu y épouses la sorcière."

6- "La petite fourmi noire peut entrer chez l’homme, mais cet homme ne peut entrer chez elle!"

7- "Si la pluie frappe le piment,sa virulence n'en diminue pas."

8- "Ce que Dieu a ecrit, marabout peut pas effacer."

9- "Aucun arbre n'a donné des fruits sans avoir eu d'abord des fleurs."

10- "Les gens n'aiment pas les gens mais ils aiment l'argent des gens."

11- "Le paresseux jalouse l'homme qui travaille et réussit."
 

Sources: http://www.unproverbe.com/ and http://www.proverbes-francais.fr/proverbes-ivoiriens/ .

'6 Broken Hearts: The Diary of a Broken Girl' by Nabeela Kapery Noorani

6 Broken Hearts is a multi-generational romance drama. It's befitting to say that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree or history usually repeats itself and from experience parents tend to have a short memory. As I read this intriguing novel, I kept asking myself what's the catch for this seemingly perfect plot? And I got my answers and I shed some tears mainly because I saw myself a little in the struggles of Juwayriya aka Jules Rouby, her family, and the tough decisions she had to make for the summary goes as this:

"Jules Rouby, as she is affectionately known; has her whole world turned upside down when secrets from her past threaten to affect her future. As she grows into a woman and finds love, her past forces her to choose between a husband and a father. This epic tale is riddled with immense heartache, love, death and the unconditional love of maternal bonds."

Furthermore, I believe anybody that has a person like Nawwaal in their lives is blessed. I know people like her and they come rare like one in a million. 6 Broken Hearts is also a testament that what we do to our parents if often done to us by our children and unless one party decides to forgive, forget, and leave it to Allah, the painful cycle continues. Some plots twists took me down rough, bitter, and happy tidbits of memory lane. I liked the story even though it made me sad a bit.

You can get the a free copy on Author Nabeela Kapery Noorani's blog or on Amazon to support her. Don't forget to leave a review for the author's generosity!

My rating: 4/5

Thank you for reading,

Papatya*

"The Size of a Mustard Seed" by Umm Juwayriyah - Covered Pearls Series

The Size of a Mustard Seed is a great Ramadhan read I had the opportunity to finish on a road trip just before the 2016 fard fasting period. When your daily goals about reading or listening to the Quran are met, I urge you to read some urban fiction crafted by Umm Juwayriyah aka Maryam A. Sullivan because it highlights and captures well the beauty of Ramadhan accompanied of course with the struggle of our nafs.

For me it was a bit of a Ramadhan love story and I now understand better why Tohib Adejumo's Love in Ramadan was partly inspired after her novel. In the domino effect of things, I was also inspired by Tohib and you will find out with time insha'Allah. I mean love in Ramadan can be with the Creator, it can be with yourself, it can be with a person, it can be with the deen, etc. Bottom line, it has a diverse meaning.

Going back to The Size if a Mustard Seed, it centers on Jameelah Salih, a 27 year old Indonesian-African American (post 9-11) who is a hair stylist and a college student. As the eldest of her family, she is a single Muslimah who acknowledged she has a lot of work to do on her person. In a nutshell, she is easily irritable and has an attitude problem she wants to keep under control. And one Ramadhan the opportunity to be a better Muslimah presents itself, and she grabs it.

In the midst of her self-betterment, a marriage proposal from a reknown imam comes in and Jameela while she's excited at the idea of getting married, she finds herself being reserved about this suitor and takes a while before making a decision. Like clock work, when she makes up her mind, secrets come out of the closet. All she can do is put her trust in the One who will never forsake her to help her make sense of her situation.

Along the way, a platonic and halal love triangle surfaces and you will have to read to get more details on this part. The book is definitely suitable for teenagers and adults alike.

So like I mentioned earlier, she is the eldest of her family. Meelah, like her relatives call her, also has a younger sister named Khadidja who is married to a white revert Muslim man and a younger brother Adam who will turn out to be an exemplary young Muslim man and a dashing wakil. 

The novel is diverse in terms of ethnicities and what we should take from it is that Islam has no color and no race is above another one. They are Black, White, Yellow and everything in between the shades Muslims. Muslims are a diverse people indeed! With that being said, there are still people who frown on interracial unions and The Size of a Mustard Seed touches on that a little bit with a particular character. No spoilers!

I'm so looking forward to Book 2 because I feel like Khadija's story need to be told to great extent! Because of her untold story, I think many other Muslim writers were inspired by the great Umm Juwayriyah and that's an honor masha'Allah. I could be wrong but that's the impression I got so far. My rating? 5/5!

Get your copy on Amazon today. Better yet, gift it to someone during the Eid!

Jazak'Allah khair for reading, 

Papatia Feauxzar

Women In The Qur'an - A Bold Read Review

Women in the Qur'an by Asma Lamrabet translated by Myriam Francois-Cerrah is a VERY bold read. This book of 177 pages is divided in an introductory section, a part one that deals with 'When the Qur'an speaks OF women' and a part two 'When the Qur'an speaks TO women.'

The author Asma Lamrabet is a pathologist in Morroco's Avicenna Hospital. She's also an award winning author of many articles tackling Islam and Women's issues. On the other hand, the translator, Myriam Francois-Cerrah is a writer, broadcaster and academic with a focus on current affairs, France, Islam and the Middle East. She writes for many accredited news magazines and channels like Al Jazeera English.

To continue, I found this read particularity bold and daring because it's a tafsir-exegesis- of the holy verses we have been exposed to all our lives about the women we already know but by a women's perspective that is very dismissive of many popular and biased male's interpretations of the Qur'an which at some point were deeply ingrained to us as a collective as the norm for nearly 15 centuries.

Some of the women cited are Awa (as), Bilqis (as), Maryam (as), Hagar (as), Sarah (as). You get the gist, women after which great miracles were bestowed upon, holy rituals were fashioned after or great doom descended upon because of their betrayal such as the wives of prophets Lut and Noah (as).

I'm sure there is a history of books that critically interpret the scriptures from a women's perspective but this is the first one I read. I have always thought that certain religious Muslim men since the time of rassullulah sallalahu aleihi wassalam to today were and are bonified dictators, patriarchs, and who could never see a woman as their equal even if their faith in Allah and Islam were/are steadfast. It's an oxymoron indeed. Thus, I'm sure many of them made sure to reduce the meaning of certain verses pertaining to fairness and equality toward women. I also have this strong feeling that many works by Muslim women weren't promoted and subsequently died out or weren't preserved the same way men's works and stories were. It's a shame.

Now, did I find Women in the Qur'an blasphemous at times? Yes! But is that because I have never challenged and critically analyzed my past exegeses about women in the Qur'an written by prominent Muslim scholars? Probably. The book is thought provoking, makes many valid points, and also supports exegeses by Muslim men who support Lamrabet's point of views.

With all that being said, this book is needed because no matter how much the Qur'an and the Sunnah vouch for an equality between the sexes, for the fair treatment of women, for the inclusion of women in social events, the reality on the terrain is different. There is a big majority of Muslim women who are still oppressed by imposed and cultural patriarchal ways when it should be the Muslim woman's choice to decide to work, to go pray at the mosque, to have children when in a marriage, to accept or refuse a suitor, to pick her own husband, to wear hijab, to be educated, etc. Unfortunately many Muslim women can't escape their husbands and families (in-laws, biological or even elder non-relatives) making choices for them.

I also believe that this wrong will be right as we all speak up and ask about a change like Lamrabet started. In my opinion, there is also a reason why women will start to outnumber men at the crack of doom; a thing that is already noticeable as the numbers of baby girls born are slightly over the baby boys born. Now, when the women have the majority, it's imperative to stay fair to men, to not act like non-Muslim feminists who can't seem to accept or recognize Muslim Feminists. Jahannam will have a larger number of women and I hope none of the ummah will dwell there because they left sirat-al mustakim.

Furthermore, just because an increase of independent women is a sign of the end times, it doesn't mean women should be kept under a tight leash. I actually see men controlling everything a woman does as a way to stop times. I see it as a way to worship dunya. Everything has an expiration date and things will follow their course no matter what. It's the qadr of Allah. It's been written eons ago. Why fight it?

Above all, get your copy of Women in the Qur'an at Kube Publishing. It has a different insight!

To get 10% off any book at Kube Publishing's website use COUPON CODE : BLOGGERS10

Women in the Qur'an is also available on Amazon and Barnes&Noble .

Thank you for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar

DIY Ramadhan Lantern

You will need:

-        Empty cans of soda

-        Tea light candles (Safer than actual candles)

-        Several waterbase paint colors (gold spray paint, red, yellow, pink, blue, etc.)

The Rainbow Colors...Sort of.

-        One Paint Brush (I found the #8 Craftsmart to be very effective and fast)

-        A Stanley knife

Optional items:

-        A ruler

-        Sand paper

-        Masking tape

The Directions:

1. Leave about  2 cm at the top of the can and spare about 1.5 cm at the bottom. I noticed that the closer you are to each extremity of the can the better the can looks later on when you snap it down. (It's also easier to crush it.) Draw horizontal lines on the can at interval of 2.5 cm with the ruler. I actually didn't use a ruler because I thought it would take longer. I just winged it and wasted three cans right off the start so that I could get the hang of it. And I did.

The Making of the Pink Lantern

2. Cut all the way through the surface of the the can with the Stanley knife. 

3. Press down on the top of the can so that it snaps at the scored lines. 

Crushed can...I'm supposed to be gentle but it's not happening... >_<...

4. Some strands will go inward. Don't use your finger to push it out BECAUSE the edges are sharp! I used something long like a pair of scissors. You can sand the edges of the strands but I didn't even though I bought the sandpaper. Maybe another time I'll use it with heavy duty gloves. I was out of time and this project was supposed to be done before Ramadhan! 

5. Color your can any color you like now with your brush! I only used spray paint for the gold can because the gold paint was acting out. Anyways, it turned out good. I had to go outside to spray it because of the fumes. So bare that in mind especially if you have a little one around.

6. Switch on your tea light and insert it in the bottom of your revamped can; the new lantern! Another way to use it is to hang it with a rope anywhere you like.

And voilà! That's it. 

P.S. You will spend about 6 to 10 minutes per can. That's including the prep of the can and the coloring.

Why I like Ramadhan When Days Are Longer

Bismillah,

As a working mother, as soon as I log off/get off work (it depends of if I work from home) I have a second job to attend; Mommy and wife duties.

And having Ramadhan when days are longer has its advantages for me.

1. Time to catch up with house chores

I have time to do house chores before the hubby comes home. From 5:30 p.m. toiftar time, I have roughly a little over three hours to cook, clean, and tend to the baby needs. If we still have leftovers from a previous day, I only have to step in the kitchen thirty to an hour before iftar to warm the food and set the table (I don’t use the microwave). If we ate everything from the previous days, it takes me an hour to two to bring the house down. Then Chef Papatia feels awesome that the ‘five course meal’ (soup, salad, entrée, side dish, and dessert) is ready.

2. Time to relax

Now, I have an hour plus to spare. If I haven’t performed asr yet, I do it then. I make sure I pray at least forty-five minutes before magrib time. Wouldn’t want to pray asr during forbidden times to pray, do we? After that I sit down and relax before the next wave of things to-do show up such as setting up the table.

3. Time to perform late night prayers

When I’m done eating, praying magrib, winding down in front of the TV, it’s close to midnight. This is perfect because the second half of the night is close and Allah is even nearer to us. So, I pray taraweeh and qiyaam no matter how difficult this is, taking comfort in the fact that I can pour my heart out to my creator. Masha’Allah.

By the time, Ramadhan circles back to winter when days are shorter, I would probably be retired and sending off a kid to college insha’Allah *wink* How about you guys? How are the long hours working for you?

May Allah facilitates Ramadhan to all you working mothers and non-working mothers,ameen.

Original post.

Ramadhan Mubarak!

Assalamu aleikum,

Ramadhan Mubarak dear readers! Alhamdullilah, it’s Ramadhan 1st 1437 or Ramadhan 2016. May Allah make this month easy on us, amiin. May He accept our fast and all our acts of Ibadat, amiin. May He make us better Muslims here on out, amiin. And May He allow us to see many more holy months like this one insha’Allah, amiin. May Allah protect the ummah and guide us all on sirat-al mustakeem, amiin.

For meal ideas for suhur click here . You can read health benefits of Ramadhan here or find out ways to stay fit with this post.

Wassalam,

P.Feauxzar

Original post on Hayati Magazine .

African Novelists You Should know

1. Amina N. Her debut story is titled Destiny and addresses domestic violence and love in our ummah. Amina N. is a Muslim woman who lives in Roswell Georgia. Although she resided most of her life away from her birth country, Senegal, she kept within her all the great values from her culture which she was taught while growing in the welcoming city of Dakar. She always loved reading and writing, loves taking care of animals and watch them interact with each other. Being a very spiritual person, she enjoys spending time alone and long moments of silence; she yet would not trade spending time with her daughter, friends and family for anything. For more information visit www.amina-n.com

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2. Farida Ado. She is a Nigerian romance writer. Early this year, a post featuring her went viral. Farida appears here as well. She’s also mentioned in other articles like this one. She writes in Hausa like many Nigerian Novelists. Her work has been translated inDiagram of the Heart which brings us next to one of the early writer of the movement in Northern Nigeria.

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3. Balaraba Ramat Yakubu is considered one of the 1980s breakout writer in the romance genre in Kano, Nigeria. Her most acclaimed work is Alhaki Kuykuyo Ne…, Sin is a Puppy That Follows You Home. She is an inspiring person.

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4. Author Fauziyyah B Suleiman . She has written 32 novels and three were made into local movies like one of her bestseller A Daren Farko (On the First Night). In this article, she says, “In my writing I give more attention to women’s issues, like marriage, polygamy and education.” She is what a fellow author call a warrior with a pen.

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5. Papatia Feauxzar. Originally from French West Africa, Papatia lives in Dallas, Texas with her nuclear family. She loves nature and also loves to pen romance stories for adults and sci-fi/fantasy ones for the underage folks. She aims to address faith, love, romance, education, gender issues, and many other social ills close to her heart with her writing. Her most known work is Mistress of the Spices. You can learn more on her at www.djarabikitabs.com

Source

Low Maintenance Sisters-What He Should Know Before Anchoring

Bismillah,

A low maintenance sister is a sister who appreciates the simple joys of life. She’s drama free and the majority of the time because opposites attract, a high-maintenance brother (let’s say drama-queen fella) anchors his boat to her because she’s a beacon of some sort he couldn’t pass.

So if you’re a low maintenance sister like many out there (I might be one too hehe  ) this is some of the things he needs to know. You are:

1. A Potato couch

He has to know that you enjoy nights in, sprawled over the couch watching something entertaining on TV. With him by your side enjoying a romantic movie, it would be bliss. Nights out are things you want to do every now and then to change the atmosphere. Not a-seven-day a week affair. Dude, our life would be like living in a hotel. You need to make memories in your new home. Plus, the bachelor life is over after marriage.

2. An attention seeker

You’re only an attention seeker for him. For other not halal guys and men for you, you put your unsocial face up pretty quick! He should appreciate your romantic efforts. You don’t have to play that game and make him feel special in your eyes.

3. Impatient,Timely, and Fast

He needs to know that you’re the type of girl that gets in the store to get a bucket of ice cream, for instance, and leaves the store with exactly a bucket of ice cream. Except on certain occasions. He shouldn’t be the one indecisive in the relationship. It should have been you and you ain’t. So no excuse! lol!

You’re timely and arrived at  rendez-vous  before the time. So he shouldn’t count on your ‘forecasted’ tardiness to pick the best ‘husband material thawb’ from his closet! He needs to know that punctuality is a very attractive trait for ya  …

To close here, all you need is a little over five minutes to throw an abaya and scarf on and you’re ready to roll. Akhi, you won’t need to huff and puff while I get ready. I’ll be out pronto!

4. Not the common trophy wife

You know how to be a shinny dime and you ‘is’ the muse, the chef, the maid, the janitor, the seamstress, etc. of the house. But he shouldn’t except to see you wear your wedding ‘cinderella’ clothes seven days a week! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Simply chic is your best ensemble and fits you (some people would say for better and for worse right?). Dude, you should be grateful for that! You don’t want us starting to ask for the moon and stuff .

5. A penny pincher, easy to please, but you frown on slackers

He needs to know that you won’t care to use off brand toiletries 364 days a year, but there is this one day where you will care for a particular brand because it’s better and of quality or just for sake of pampering. He should just get it and not ask questions.

And oh, just because you’re laid back doesn’t mean he can’t surprise you or step up his game by showing you some genuine love once in a blue moon. Tell him, ‘just don’t get too comfortable, and I promise I won’t let go of myself.’ Haha!

May Allah help you find decent spouses ya single and searching uktys! Ameen! 

Jazak'Allah khair for reading,

Papatia Feauxzar

Originally published at Hayati Magazine and my blog .

P.S Pansies are easy to grow and plant.

Pants for a Muslimah?

Here is a touchy subject around the globe ... Can a Muslim woman wear pants or only dresses and skirts?

Well it depends on many things. Personally, I don’t wear pants outside the comfort of my home. I used to wear them outside but these days, I am so used to wear skirts and dresses that I feel very awkward wearing pants to go outside. I just feel naked if I try to put a foot outside the door, so I just don’t. But I do wear pants under clothing when Winter hits so that I don’t get cold.

So can she wear it? She can wear pants if it’s part of her culture and the dress on top is long enough to cover her behind.  Assuming that her clothes are not too tight and are loose. That said, some scholars will argue that she can’t under any circumstances. I think they exaggerate. I don’t like un-flexible point of views..borderline extreme… They based their argument on the hadith sherif that states that women that dress in men clothing are cursed and vice-versa. I think we know this wasn’t meant for women that wear pants conservatively but for men that have women mannerisms and clothe in women clothing and vice-versa.

A lot of them won’t hear this rebuttal of their thesis because there is also a cultural belief lurking in their minds; a woman who wear pants will become the leader of the family. ‘Nonsense.’ *wink*

In addition, they will agree that she wears pants privately where noone can see except them. Whether she hides it from people or not, she still wears them so how come she is not leading the home according to ‘your standards’? Ah, she leads the family anyways. She is just discrete about it and lets you believe you’re in charge... She is the moon and you’re the sun. *wink*

I can’t recall all the details of the story I am about to tell you but I read somewhere that a lady was near the prophet (sallalahu aleihi wasalam) and she fell. I think she was on a horse. Maybe a donkey. He turned his head so that he couldn’t see her privates. Later, his companions around him told him that they didn’t see anything because she wore pants under her clothing. He then prayed for her and any woman who does the same to protect her privates. See, women can wear pants! Having said that, it is not said that it’s compulsory to hide your pants. It’s just preferable and it has more barakah (blessings).

What do you think of women wearing pants? Please share your thoughts!

Papatia Feauxzar

Originally posted here .

Riding the Samoosa Express: Personal Narratives of Marriage and Beyond

Riding the Samoosa Express is a metaphor to refer to the process of courtship, love, marriage and beyond. It’s a well written tale sampling the diversity and the different faces the Indian Muslim women contributors experienced.

These personal narratives range from very funny tales like Farhana Ismail’s father’sizzat (honor) demands and Somayya Hansrod’s mishaps in the kitchen to soul searching and self actualization stories such as the ones of Yasmin Denat and many other anonymous and non-anonymous contributors.

A very thought provocative compilation,Riding the Samoosa Express tell us that what may be true for one Muslim woman is not necessarily true or the norm for another Muslim woman. Each Muslim woman has a different life and a different culture. So some of these stories mirror the lives of other Muslim women around the globe while many don’t.

Many of the stories spoke to me. For instance, I felt the struggles of Zaheera Jina when she wished to be ‘Only Oomi’ to her son while battling a PhD career in Mathematics. Another story that spoke to me is the one of Nabeela Patel because of her open mind and religious tolerance of other faiths. I enjoyed her critical mind and the way she ended her piece:
“First, I need to blossom into a flower from a bud and settle into my own life. In this big, bad world I don’t know where I’ll end up, or who I will be, but I need to find that out first. I need to fathom the complex me, settle into my skin and breathe…”

She used the right words to seal the deal with me.
In conclusion, Riding the Samoosa Express is a must and a good read!

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com .

An Interview with Melati Lum

Papatia Feauxzar: Melati, Assalamu aleikum. Welcome to Hayati Magazine. Please tell us something we don't know about you.

Melati Lum: Wa aleikum salam! I’m a mum and former criminal prosecutor of serious crimes. In my past I’ve worked for the United Nations in the prosecution of war crimes committed in the former Yugoslavia. Outside of work, I love travelling, learning about different cultures, and spending time with my family and friends.

PF: That's good to know. Thank you. So how long have you been writing?

ML: I guess it depends on what type of writing! In my profession as a lawyer I’ve had to do a lot of combining different people’s accounts of an event and presenting it as one story. As a criminal lawyer it can be a challenge to find ways of presenting a story to an audience in a way that they can relate to and understand, but of course a lawyer is limited as to the facts. In terms of fiction, I’ve only been writing for about a year.

PF: Not bad! How long did it take you to write Ayesha Dean: The Istanbul Intrigue?

ML: I had to juggle my challenging day job with writing, so it took me about 6 months to write the first draft of Ayesha Dean, and then a further couple of months to edit it. With balancing work, family life, and writing, I found that I could only write a little bit at a time, but I tried to do it as consistently as I could.

PF: Do you outline your stories or do you just go with the flow?

MF: I had a general outline, and within that very general outline I went with the flow. I had to get rid of quite a lot of material that seemed ok at the time, but later didn’t fit with the rest of the story…

PF: I see and it happens. When will your book, Ayesha Dean: The Istanbul Intrigue, officially launch? Readers, you can read a review here.

ML: The official release date will be on 10 April 2016. On that date, I will be having an eBook giveaway for a very limited time for early subscribers to my website www.melatilum.com.au

PF: Readers, make sure you subscribe to get your free copy! So, you're an indie author. Why did you choose that route?

ML: Self-publishing has come a long way over the past few years. EBook readers and tablets make sourcing books a lot more convenient and readily accessible to readers all over the world, and the variety of books that are available to download has greatly increased. Also, print-on-demand technology has opened up the market to indie publishers in a fresh and contemporary way. Since Muslim and diversity fiction is still relatively new to the western market, all things considered as a first-time author, taking the indie route was attractive to me.

PF: You're already writing the next story which I'm excited about! Can you tell us which country you will set this story in if that's okay to reveal?

ML: Oooh no sorry that’s a surprise!!!!

PF: Okie, I'll be patient to wait insha'Allah hehe. Muslim fiction is on the rise alhamdullilah and please continue to write because we're onto something very valuable here; telling our own stories to the world. Do you think we can change the state of affairs with our voices?

ML: I think it is really important that Muslim and diverse voices are reflected in fiction to a greater extent than what is currently reflected in western culture, particularly the voices of Muslim women. In many cases around the world, the voices of Muslim women have been censored, ridiculed, or simply considered irrelevant. There have been various factors for this state of affairs, whether it be being part of a minority group, or unfortunately oppression from within our own communities. You and I are fortunate enough to be placed in a society where we have the opportunity to make our voices heard. And yes, I definitely think we can all change the state of affairs with our voices, whether that be among the wider community, in our own homes, or within ourselves.

PF: I agree, we are very fortunate indeed. Alhamdullilah. And we will bring about a change  insha'Allah. You also have a LaunchGood campaign going on now. I pray you meet your goal and surpass it insha'Allah. Was it hard to set up?

ML: It did take a bit of effort, and I was fortunate to have the help of my partners in the campaign- Arabic Made in China- a fun and easy way to learn Arabic, and Life of My Heart- purveyors of modern Muslim lifestyle. Also the team at LaunchGood were absolutely amazing, really supportive and encouraging, and doing a fabulous service for the Muslim community. I’d highly recommend them for any great crowdfunding project!

PF: Masha'Allah that's awesome. I'll also look into their organization in the future insha'Allah. Jazak'Allahu khair for agreeing to be interviewed and thank you for being with us Melati. The team at Hayati Magazine and I wish you great success with your campaign, the book launch, and the book sales. Please share with us your social media links so our readers can get to know you better.

ML: Jazak’Allahu khair, thank you so much for the kind words and the interview :)

You can follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or on my website.

PF: Wa iyyakum! :) Wassalam.

Picture credit : CreativeUmmah.com

The Broken Half- A Review

Sahar Abdulaziz is a resident of Pennsylvania. From her website, Sahar Abdulaziz graduated with a bachelor’s degree in psychology before going on to earn her master’s degree in health and wellness promotion and administration. Also holding a certification in community health, she has answered hotline phones and worked as a domestic violence counselor/advocate. Abdulaziz, as a staunch advocate for mutual respect and acceptance, currently acts as a speaker and writer dedicated to helping those with hidden and painful disorders cope more successfully.

Her Book The Broken Half is a tale about domestic violence and how if left unchecked causes a lot of collateral damages. The story saddened me on numerous occasions because of the trials her characters went through; especially Zahra Evans. The assaults on Zahra traumatized me for a few days until I decided to make an effort to turn the page. I have to applaud the author Abdulazizfor penning such heavy materials which need to be discussed and resolved in our communities. That said, domestic violence is not only rampant in Muslim communities. As a matter of fact, it’s present in non-Muslims communities as well. The book doesn’t touch on that and I think it’s perhaps to say that she would write about what she knows of. You can’t write about what you don’t know. That’s my number one rule as a writer; don’t preach to the choir but surround facts with believable fiction.

Furthermore, Abdulaziz didn’t patronize anybody (Muslims or non-Muslims) in this story. I like these kind of stories which show the weaknesses of human nature and where the root of the problem started. Great fiction debunking the realities of domestic violence and its failing advocates within the story.

I also appreciate that at the end of her stories just like in As One Door Closes, Abdulaziz lists places where victims of domestic abuse, rape, and/or incest can seek help at anonymously.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading.

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com .

Stay Home Wifey

Bismillah.

“A woman shouldn’t work!” is what you hear a lot from some Muslim men. The truth is Allah has not asked a woman to work but if she wants to, it’s her choice to do so. She’s the responsibility of the men of her family if unmarried. However, norms have changed today and betting on that sole rule results in total domestic abuse in many cases because such women have no penny to their name and depend on them.

How many of us working Muslimah face the challenging dilemma of quitting one’s job to raise a family someday? The answer is many of us do. This subject is very crucial in the married lives of many Muslim women who just started a successful career. Our parents sent us to school, spent thousands and thousands of dollars to educate us. We also spent a lot of money on our education if you were student worker like many Muslim girls. All this hassle, to end up being in a sandwich situation where the husbands want a stay home wife on one hand and our families and ego wanting us to be career women on the other hand. The truth is if our parents wanted us to stay home, they wouldn’t have invested a lot of money in our education. They would have yanked us from secular institutions the moment they knew we could read and write. Then, they would wait for the perfect husband to come ask for your hand like many Muslim families do around the world. There is nothing wrong with that if all parties involved here are in agreements with this treatment.

Furthermore, as many Muslim men request that their wives stay home to care of their babies to avoid daycare costs and its horror stories for the child to have a proper Sunnahupbringing instilled by the mother. There is a double edge sword or billion dollar question to be asked here. That is, if all your women are ‘stay home wifeys’ who is going to be the female Doctor (Dentist, Family practice, Gynecologist, etc.) that is going to examine her like you wish? Who is going to be that female TSA or police agent that is going to pat her down when there is an issue at hand? Who is going to that teacher you only want her to interact with to avoid Fitnah? I completely agree with the fact that we shouldn’t put ourselves in conditions that would compromise our good behavior and so forth but it all boils down to self-control, trust, and faith. Where I grew up, Muslim women work and have maids to help them with chores around the house.  As Muslim women, we are allowed to have a help. There are things they let the help do and there are things they specifically do for their husbands as soon as they get off work. They change, clean up, and hop in the kitchen to add the final touch. However, this also comes with its share of issues if the man has no self-control and start messing around with the help or the female relatives of his wife he’s no mahram to. That’s why many women juggle work, housework, and married life and strive to find a perfect balance between all of these.

Now, don’t think I’m against being a stay home wife because I have entertained the idea for a while now. There are advantages to this as if your husband can provide for you, your family, and his family, you are set! However, if you leave your good paying job and have to re-invent yourself and scramble to become a business woman in another field from home, you will be facing harsh realities. Soliciting clients is very hard to do, and it requires a lot of time, effort, sales and marketing skills. Things not everybody possess.

Having said all that, how do you get on the same wavelength with the husband about the subject of continuing to work after marriage or staying home after a baby comes along? This is what you need to do:

– Pray Allah (subhanahu wata ala) for an answer. He will guide you and your husband to the right solution for your special case insha’Allah.

– Sit down with your spouse and talk about the opportunity costs here if you stay in your job or leave the job. And always communicate like adults (calmly and without tantrum, don’t let it escalate into an argument).

If you have to keep your job, make sure your marriage will not go down the drain as a result. If you decide to stay home, I can tell you for a fact that it will be a shock at first because you’ll be bored at some point and miss your job. You may even feel worthless and a spending machine while your husband is earning the living for you. If this issue plays a role in the happiness of your marriage life, seek counseling advice. I took a class before marriage because we would get a discount on the marriage license fee and the moderator talked about the success that a certain method provided for couples with this issue. The method was simply the husband paying the wife for the work she did in the home like the picture suggests she is worth but let’s be honest, your husband is not going to give you 100k+ for your services *winking smiley*!  If only the stay home wifey made what she was supposed to earn! I admire all of you sisters out there who are stay home wifeys. You are much appreciated in my books.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading.

Originally published at www.papatia.wordpress.com and Hayatimagazine.com .

Reasons to Get Hitched

Bismillah,

There are many reasons not to rush into marriage and I’ll touch on that on another post. But in the meantime, here are some reasons why you should get hitched.

1. Anger champion

“In the second century AH, there was a righteous man called Shu`ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, “I am a bad-tempered man.” She replied, tactfully and cleverly, “The one who makes you lose your temper is worse than you.” He realized that there stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise, and mature. He immediately said to her, “You will be my wife.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.82).

The lesson you should get from this is that if you can handle the heat, go ahead and get in the ‘kitchen’ and prove your mate that you’re an anger management champion. By kitchen, I mean marriage* wink*. That said, I’m not telling you to stick with a man that beats you. Domestic violence is not to be tolerated.

2. Ego Fender

Often times, I have heart to heart discussions with non-Muslim friends who are die-hard feminists. The main thing I noticed with them across the board is that they have a huge ego, no offense. They despise the idea of submitting and humbling yourself to Allah. They equally hate the fact that a Muslim woman has to ask for permission from her spouse to do certain things. For us it comes down to humbling ourselves and seeing the big picture,Jannah. That doesn’t make us weak, it makes us good servants, smart and patient. If you can swallow your pride in many hard situations you face in life, you’re an ego fender and you should get hitched. Besides, pride is what got shaytan kicked out of heavens.

3. Hopeless Romantic

So you fantasize on blissful love as a single. You should get married before zina temps you. That said, don’t think marriage is only about that. Marriage can also be like the fights you have with your college roommates because they don’t clean or didn’t pay a certain bill. You get the gist.

4. Allah mindful

Marriage is half of your deen and you heard it tons of times. For his sake and love, you should get married.

Above all, marriage is fun and rewarding if you put the time and effort in. Don’t go in thinking it’s going to be a walk in the park. May Allah help you find a worthy mate and bless your union, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally posted at Hayatimagazine.com

Reasons Not to Rush into Marriage

Bismillah,

Nowadays, the ummah has a high rate of divorce. This is partly due to the fact that people rush into marriage without understanding what marriage entails or seeing the big picture. Marriage is about love yes, but it’s also about dealing with another being crowding your personal space. Moreover, marriage is about commitment, picking your battles, agreeing to disagree, learning to forgive, and much, much more.

So what are some reasons not to rush into marriage?

1. Jealousy

So the person you have your eyes set on is very jealous of another potential candidate. Don’t get married because it will make him or her confident of the basis of your relationship. You’ll have trust issues if you do that. Just let things run their normal course and arrive at your decision to get married when the water is calm. Remember to doistikhara and pray to see the light if you get unfavorable results.

2. I don’t want to commit zina

Some people get married so that they can finally experience intimacy. I commend you if you wait for marriage to be intimate but don’t let that drive you to marriage. In doing so, you’ll be blindsided by other issues you should have paid attention to. What if you’re marrying a phony? You would have failed to catch that because all you were thinking about was halal romance at last. Just be careful. Adjust your priorities so that you can think clearly.

3. I’ll be a better spouse or person when I’m married

Many people think that marriage will change them overnight. If you take a step in being a good spouse, you’ll be a good one. It is not going to drop on your lap. It’s not magic. It’s what you put in that you get back! Be realistic!

4. Looks

‘Oh masha’Allah, X looks good! I need to marry X at all costs!’ Sadly, many people think that and then realize they’ve made a huge mistake. They later grasp that X is not a good Muslim. X is arrogant. X is a bad spouse. X is etc. Find an X that’s easy on the eyes and also beautiful on the inside. Nothing says you can’t have both!

This is not an all-inclusive list but it’s a pretty good golden rule. If you ignore all these signs and still get married, you’re definitely in for a roller-coaster and I hope you can handle it because not every couple is strong enough to see past the tornado. Be ready to put the effort in to see it succeed. Marriage is never all blissful love because it’s about hard work. And when something seems too easy, you should be skeptical and think, ‘What’s the catch?’

So before you head into it, make sure you don’t expect a picnic! May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala  make our marriages successful, ameen.

Jazak'Allah khair for reading. 

Originally published at Hayatimagazine.com

Are You Realistic About What A Real Relationship Is About?

Bismillah.

Are you realistic about what a real relationship is about? You probably don’t know the answer so let me help you.

A relationship isn’t supposed to be a nice breeze but why do many people think so? Nothing in life is supposed to be a walk in a park. And Allah made life this way so that we can achieve great things and see the rewards throughout our accomplishments and trials. And everybody needs to understand that.

There is also a reason why many conservative Muslims don’t like to watch TV, listen to Music, and/or pay close attention to the media. You know why? Because it gives you unrealistic hopes. You were probably thinking because they’re the haram police. It could why but it’s not the only reason.

Now, if the following apply to you then you have a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a hopeless romantic but I try to keep my feet on the ground even though I enjoy some of the following in my down time to escape reality. Key words here ‘escape reality’ in case you missed it *wink*. So here we go :

• Your idea of a perfect union is based on popular romantic movie.

Wrong! There is a reason it’s a movie; it’s fiction. It’s not real! Don’t get your hopes up when you watch them hoping your man or your woman will do the same with the puppy love, the flowers, the travels, the fancy proposals, the loving texts, the etc. and etc. that make such movies romantic in our eyes. We all need to understand that every relationship is different and that what movies make seem as the standard is not the norm.

Your spouse or fiance can love you but they don’t have to be all mushy or money about it. Romance is much more than the media hype. It’s accepting and working with the good and the bad your spouses make you live on the daily basis. Not the snapshots of happily ever after. I have actually wanted to write a book titled What Happens After Happily Ever After for a long time now but I realized that I already have with most of my romance books because the characters live real life scenarios in a marriage setting. Some have a penchant for popular culture and that’s why they are in my fantasy world.

• You cry when you hear love songs and you think they were written just for you. Worse, you expect your partner to sing and dedicate one to you.

Music is not good for us because it makes us vulnerable and an easy target for emotions (sad, happy, in-between, you name it.) And what unseen creatures love to target our emotions? The djinns. That’s right, djinns love music and that’s another reason why I try to stay away from music these days. It’s not the fear of hot lead pouring in my ears in the next life BUT the fear of being worn by these evil things that makes me contemplate that tainted love from far. May Allah helps us all, amiin.

Movies have soundtracks and after it’s over, don’t let that invisible soundtrack follow you around. Be realistic, life is much more noisier than that. Come back on earth and carry on with your normal daily activities.

• You watch celebrity couples get married, you watch reality shows about them, and any other power couple out there and you wish to be them.

You don’t know what these people do or how they really behave behind closed doors. I can guarantee that they are the source of so much evil eye (intentional and unintentional) and that’s the reason there are always tabloids about them or interesting rumors. Don’t envy the smokescreens. Pray for a good relationship with yourself, your Creator, your family, your spouse, keep to yourself and don’t advertise your relationship on social media because Satan loves to break up the man from the woman. Open your eyes, be realistic, and lower your expectations. Really lower your expectations because simple is always rewarding and fulfilling.  I know because I live by that code alhamdullilah. Remember, if something is too good to be true, it probably is!

Wassalam,

Papatia

Why Do We Decide To Forgive Our Spouses?

Bismillah,

You know what’s ageless? A fight between a couple. It never gets old. You’ll always argue about something. After the hurtful words and deep wounds we inflict upon each other, we go through a period of silent rage, and then we decide to move past it. This is the forgiveness state. So why do we decide to forgive our spouses? We do it for many reasons. Some reasons include love, the amazing sex maybe, the guilt on another issue, religion, the stigma associated with becoming a divorcee, and/or children. I’ll develop each of my points but don’t mistake this list for a comprehensive one. There are many other reasons I don’t know about. I’ll only talk about what I know.

• Love

We love our partners no matter how shady, mean, taunting, gross, crafty, you name it, they can be. At the end of the day, we realize that they’re our kryptonite and that’s the reason we wed them. It’s also the reason why we have to forgive them. No one is perfect. They complete us and make us who we are. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) loves us and He forgives us no matter what we do. He still gives us second chances and more. Thinking about that, we realize that we have to give second, third, more chances to our partners. This is hard to do. But if we can’t forgive them, then something is wrong with us. If He created us to His image, then the love He gave us should warrant the forgiveness we grant to our partners.

• The sex

Chemistry is the name of the game when it comes to forgiveness. Alhamdulillah, I really excelled in it in college. But I’m not talking about the academic Chemistry. When a couple has the love chemistry type, they trust each other, they lose themselves in each other. The way they make each other feel in bed could be another reason they forgive each other’s mistakes. In fact, I heard of this couple who divorced but because they had that amazing sex chemistry, they decided to put their issues aside and still meet every now and then to do the ‘dirty deed’. Now, I’m not advertising zina. For from it, I’m trying to support the fact that great sex is another reason two persons can see past their differences and stay connected conservatively or non-conservatively.

• Guilt on another issue

So you have a fight and you’re mad beyond control. Then, you internally curse your half. You run all the scenarios in your head of what you should have said to inflict a deeper cut. Along the way, your conscience takes you down memory lane to remind you that maybe because you lied to your spouse about something else important, Allah is punishing you with the discord you’re facing. Now, because you feel guilty over this ‘dirty secret’, you prefer to let your anger slide and rekindle with your loved one. I’m sure each one of us has been there. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

• Religion

We all heard the hadith that says that an angry person will not enter paradise. Who doesn’t want a great afterlife? Even non-believers want a reward in another life. That said, being angry is a normal human response but for our sake in the afterlife and the poison being angry creates within us, we find it easy and healthy to let it go and start a new page.

• The stigma of becoming a divorcee

This is a no brainer. Sometimes, the fear of this stigma keeps us from holding a grudge. Not everybody feels brave to start over. A new life also comes with new challenges different from the past life. And because you already know what you’re up against in your current situation, you stay where familiarity is best for you. Besides, what’s a marriage without any tests? Now, don’t stay there if you’re being abused.

• Children

The thought that our children may become broken can make a couple put their need to be separated on the back burner. I have seen and heard of many women who sacrificed their own happiness so that their children can have both parents raising them in the same home. When the children were old enough to be independent, the couples parted ways with no hard feelings.

Above all, we all need forgiveness. We’re only humans and sometimes we’re blind when we act. It’s just the self-centeredness in us. May Allah help us become better servants and partners, amiin.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading,

Originally published at Hayatimagazine.com

Keeping Secrets

Should we tell everything to our halves? It depends. Many of us keep secrets from our spouses. These secrets can take many shapes. I will only touch up on withholding information.

In our marriages, we withhold a lot of important information because the adage clearly states, “My freedom ends where yours begins.” Two words summarize the quote; group work.
If you didn’t get it, we have to factor in our spouses when taking important decisions because we’re a unit. However, it’s not that simple.
It’s not that simple to disclose EVERYTHING because we want to avoid an argument, a conflict, to be considerate, or we just hope that with time the other spouse will see things under our lens. Our marriages aren’t perfect but strive to be better. Nothing is perfect by the way just don’t underestimate the power of dua.
For striving to get a better relationship with our spouses, many of us live in glasshouses. Glasshouses because we have lived many challenging scenarios that we have resolved or currently resolving. Some of which shook the foundation of our relationships and made them vulnerable.
At the same time, we’re advising you on what to do or not to do based on our experiences. If we give you great advice, it’s most likely because we either lived the scenarios, witnessed it, and learned from our mistakes. I never preach to the choir because I’m conscious enough to know the implications in the afterlife. To support this statement, think of chefs. They never compile a recipe book without trying and making all recipes. They therefore know what worked and what didn’t work. Though, you may find yourself tweaking their recipes and adding your own ‘grain of salt’.
To continue, glasshouse relationships are very sensitive like many psychologists say. In fact, they have the potential to live until death do you part and there are a blessing when they do last. Blessing because they normally don’t have a bright future in the horizon based on statistics. And mankind creates statistics.
You may ask what makes a glasshouse relationship succeed. It’s easy. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) is the one that makes it succeed if you call upon HIM. If you always pray HIM to conceal the moral secrets you keep for a good reason from your spouse, HE will never desert you. See the key here is moral. If your secrets are immoral such as cheating, stealing, etc. Don’t even count on it. Unless you can cover the sun with your palm hands, it WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
That said, if you have a past that you concealed from your spouse because of shame, guilt, and fear of losing their trust and respect, you need to make tawbah and repent to Allah (subhḥanahu wa ta’ala). By doing so, you are no longer liable to explain yourself toANYhuman being. What you did in your jahiliyyah times is between you and your Creator. Your spouses have no business knowing, and they shouldn’t require you to disclose it to them. If you want to tell them on your own, fine. But your self-disclosure is only required with Allah (subhḥanahu wa ta’ala). HE knows anyways.

Now, I will give you a few examples of withholding secrets and why they’re reasonable.

– If you’re withholding eating a cookie from your spouse when you have Diabetes and that your spouse will stress more about your health, it’s okay to hide that little detail. Just be responsible because your family needs you for a long run.
– If your spouse is self-conscious about his or her weight, don’t bring up skinny RAC or GQ type dudes that constantly hit on you at the office in your discussions. It’s better to withhold that detail as it’s a soft spot. This is reasonable as long as you have no intentions of entertaining these distracting individuals later on. Avoid them period.
– If your spouse doesn’t want you to work but he’s barely providing for you, here is ahadith that you can use if you find yourself rationalizing your decision to work without his knowledge. The Prophet (sallallahu aleihi was salam) stated this to Hind bint `Utbah, the wife of Abu Sufyan, when she came to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Abu Sufyan is a stingy man. What he gives me is not enough for me and my child, unless I take from him without his knowledge.” He told her, “Take what is enough for you and your child, in moderation.” (The Ideal Muslimah p.90)

Just don’t be greedy, be a planner, and don’t let your behavior show that something changed. Be tactful, be the you he knows. We understand that not everybody has the luxury to dump their spouse just because they are not happy or agree on an issue. It takes a lot time, effort, opportunity costs to make a marriage work.

The truth is, in your marriages, you will never reach the same wavelength on all the issues that arise between you. C’est la vie! Rational accounting of our spouses’ feelings and emotions as I call it, is a way to keep everybody happy.

Just remember, keep your family bonds closer and your rug and rosary even closer.

– Finally, if you’re polygamous husband and that one of your wives spices up your world with her spices and I am not talking about the spice rack in the kitchen…and that the other wives suspect this by your behavior after you leave the “spicy wife” and can’t match the competition or aren’t as comfortable with their sexuality, withhold yourself from disclosing that detail intentionally or even if they ask! They’re humans! Aisha (radi allahu anhu) used to be jealous from Khadijah (radi allahu anhu) who had already passed away. Tact my friends is the name of the game. Besides, personal bedroom secrets should not be divulged.

I hope this post was enlightening and provided fresh data.

Jazak’Allahu khair for reading,

Originally published in  Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016

The Four C’s

I read this article and it made me ponder for a moment. In Islam, a husband is not required to give you a wedding ring, let alone a diamond (almas) one. But he can give you a ring for many reasons. One reason is that he doesn’t want you to feel cheated if you live in a western culture where it’s common practice. Another reason could be that the ring is your wedding gift as it’s pricy. And because you don’t have a price, a diamond is the closest thing he can come close to, to make you feel special. Now, I have an advice for you single sisters. If a man no matter how honest and good he is, can get away with not paying your dowry, legalize your union on paper (by that I mean a recognized marriage license by the court), he will! If he ‘promises’ you a ring after you’re married, please don’t go for it. Get him to buy the ring before you move in with him. Once you’re inside his house, you’re HIS. And he won’t see the importance of such a trinket in your eyes. You will find yourself chasingafter him for the rest of your life to honor his ring promise. Trust me on this. Some will honor that promise after a considerable amount of nagging on your part while others will never fulfil that promise and will wake up between the thieves on judgment day if they never paid you your rightful dowry.

Anyways, diamonds are appraised by the Cut, the Color, the Clarity, and the Carat.

If you received a diamond, you’ll quickly learn about that last part or ‘C’; the Carat weigh.

If you didn’t receive one, don’t despair, you can still have the four C’s. You’ll probably laugh and say how can I have the 4 C’s without possessing a diamond ring you weirdo?

I’ll laugh and say, ‘You can by creating four letter C words that you will watch for in your marriage to make it successful.’ Let’s face it, a diamond is not a guarantee of a happy life. And if you’re like me, you wear your ring to discourage pretendants, show that you’re married. As for you, it’s a symbol of what must appear. You don’t wear it to enter into a context of showoff about whose got the biggest rock.

If you want one and he didn’t give you one or never upheld his part of the bargain, sister, just buy yourself a damn ring and be happy about it. They are many good and decent rings these days everyone can afford. They even have a science on how much of your man’s income is supposed to go to the ring. I’m going to tell you this, don’t encourage him to buy a rock that you’ll have to pay off for the rest of your life! Besides there is more barakain less pompous and extravagant affairs and you’ll attract less evil eye that way.

Now, my Four C’s are: Communication, Creativity, Care, Commitment. And it only took me a few minutes to recognize that they were.

1.Communication

To be a happy wife, I make sure to communicate my needs to the hubby. Strive to make your line of communication open and you’ll have one C in your relationship down.

2.Creativity

A marriage becomes stale if creativity isn’t in the mix. Don’t let that happen to your relationship. Find ways to spend quality times together and enjoy life as couple. This will make you feel accomplished and fulfilled.

3.Care

Care for each other for the sake of Allah. The bond just grows deeper from there.

4.Commitment

Be committed to your marriage life as it’s half of your deen. Life in marriage is rewarding if you’re committed on making it work.

You may have different C’s than these ones. Just keep your eyes on jannah al-firdaws uktys as you draft yours. May Allah always bless us and our marriages with love, understanding, good communication, and strong commitment, ameen.

Jazak’Allah khair for reading.

Originally published in Hayatimagazine.com

Copyright © Papatia Feauxzar 2011 - 2016